Standards is what everyone tries to avoid but will end up going to before the end of their college career because you can get sent to standards for, well, everything. The role of standards is to punish the girls who like to have fun, or as standards calls it, “uphold the values of this sisterhood.” Whatever. They’re all fun-ruiners. Standards will get you for just about anything: drinking something you’re not supposed to be drinking, taking pictures of something you’re not supposed to be taking pictures of, and breathing where you’re not supposed to be breathing. Seriously.
If you get caught (which, let’s face it, you will because standards has snitches — I mean, eyes everywhere), you get punished. That punishment could be as small as extra philanthropy hours or as big as not allowing you to attend formal. And if the standards chair hates you, I’d count on your punishment being on the harsh side. You don’t want to risk missing out on the biggest party of the semester, so in order to avoid the wrath of standards, here is a list of things you can do that definitely won’t end in a standards hearing.
1. Chug water instead of wine.
If standards catches you drinking, it’s all over. Making the switch from wine to water will make sure that you never get fined or punished. Say goodbye to your old friend Franzia and get comfortable with good ol’ tap water. If you’re really feeling crazy, pick up something a little fancier like Voss or Perrier. Drink it out of a champagne glass and it’s *almost* the same thing.
2. Take a picture with alcohol… and then get rid of it.
Standards will demand you take down a picture with alcohol faster than you can say your sorority motto, so if you do decide to drink alcohol, take a picture of it and then delete it immediately. Really savor those few moments that that picture is in existence, because for those few moments, you’re the ultimate bad girl. After that, delete the evidence. It doesn’t matter if you look really cute or your highlight is popping, that picture could cost you big time. Purge it from the universe of face the consequences.
3. Find another hobby besides drinking.
If you want to avoid getting in trouble with standards, you have to stop drinking. That means you have to find some other thing to fill your time with if you’re not spending it guzzling tequila every night. Try something like knitting or picking the split ends on your hair– those are two hobbies that definitely in no way can come back to bite you in the ass.
4. Sneak delivery, not dick, into the house.
One of the most strict rules that a sorority has is that no boys are allowed upstairs or in the bedrooms. The girls who break this rule and get caught are severely punished, but you can’t help but be a little jealous of their massive balls for even having the audacity to risk it. One way to get a similar adrenaline rush is to sneak food into the house without anybody noticing or asking for a fry. If you can make it all the way to your room without being stopped, you’ll get a sweet sense of satisfaction and all the fries you want. And really, what’s an orgasm compared to an entire order of fries?
5. Kiss boys on the cheek.
An intense DFMO with a guy will almost definitely get you sent to standards, so to avoid that hassle, quit making out and start kissing guys on the cheek. It’s not as satisfying as locking lips with a hottie, but at least it’ll keep you off standards’ radar.
6. Show off your ballroom dancing skills instead of your twerking skills.
Provocative dancing is not representative of the chapter’s values, so switch up your style to something a little more sophisticated. It’ll definitely garner you some attention, and isn’t that what we all want in the first place?
7. Strap a Go Pro to your head to ensure an alibi.
Standards is really just a game of She Said, She Said, so protect yourself from any accusations by wearing a Go Pro at all parties and events. It might clash with your outfit, but at least you have proof to clear your name when your frenemy wrongly accuses you of breaking the rules.
8. Consider taking a vow of celibacy.
Eliminate the threat of standards punishing you for inappropriate relations with a guy by swearing off guys altogether. Invest in a nice vibrator, delete all non-family males from your phone, and learn to accept the fact that you’re going to be spending a lot of time alone. As in, maybe the rest of your life.
9. Drink coffee instead of alcohol.
Alcohol can give you a headache and get you in trouble, so switch to caffeine instead! You still get a buzz and you won’t recieve that dreaded morning after text from standards. Just don’t drink too much coffee or your energetic demeanor could be confused for drunkenness (but if you’re following rule #7, you should be fine).
10. Play card games instead of drinking games.
I know what you’re thinking, and this does NOT mean play Kings Cup. That’s still a drinking game, even though it involves cards. I’m talking about wholesome games like Crazy Eights and Gin Rummy. Bring a deck of cards with you everywhere you go — frat parties, mixers, formals, whatever. Whenever someone proposes flip cup or beer pong, reply with “how about a rousing game of Go Fish?” If no one will play with you, just play solitaire. You might not have as much fun as everyone else, but at least you won’t get sent to standards!
Warning: do not play Slapjack. This game involves slapping the hand of your opponent and could get you in trouble with standards for assault. Any game that you would play with your grandmother is fine.
11. Leave parties by midnight.
Your mother was right when she said nothing good happens after midnight. Head home around midnight if you want to avoid putting yourself in any compromising situations. Of course, if you leave early, you might miss making countless memories with your sisters and be on the outside of dozens of inside jokes and stories, but if that’s what it’ll take to avoid standards, so be it.
12. Morph into a wax figurine.
Let’s face it: standards can get you in trouble for just about anything. The best way to avoid trouble is to just stand still and look pretty. Don’t talk, don’t move, don’t even breathe. Just silently exist — that’s the best way to avoid getting sent to standards.
If everything on this list sounds lame, that’s because it is. Standards has a rule against everything fun, so this is what you’re left with if you want to avoid getting in trouble. Anything that’s not on this list is fair game — you’ve been warned. .