12 Things I Will Never Do In Bed

Things To Do In Bed

I like to think that I’m a girl who will ~try anything once.~ I want to flood my Instagram with pictures of my cool travels, the strange foods I try, and the new friends I make along the way. The only problem? I’m picky AF and I hate doing things like hiking and making small talk. Still, I think people should give everything a try before totally writing stuff off. And most important, I think people should try everything in *bed* once before writing it off. Or at least that’s what I thought until I found a lot of weird shit on the internet. While I’m all for exploring your sexuality and what you enjoy between the sheets (or in the back of your car, or in the handicapped stall of a shitty bar), there are a few things I just can’t, for the life of me, imagine trying.

And if you have tried these, or more, if you like them, know that this is nothing against you. I just think you’re an insane, disgusting human. Jk jk. Sort of. Don’t get your edible panties in a bunch.

  1. Pegging: When a girl puts on a strap-on (you know. A dildo. A fake penis. Whatever you want to call it attached to a belt-like device) and goes to town on her significant other’s asshole.
    • Something about having my guy hunched over in doggy style while I *gulp* penetrate him makes me want to swear off sex, men, and penis shaped objects forever.
  2. Rim Jobbing: Licking the butt hole of another human.
    • No thanks. I uh…I just ate. 
  3. Actually, Anything Involving The Ole Butt hole: Licking. Penetrating. Looking at. Just not for me.
    • Give me any of the other holes. Seriously. Any of them. Of all the holes on the human body, this has to be at the bottom of the list for ones I want to interact with on another human.
  4. Successfully Put On Fitted Sheets: Somehow, magically, getting that scrunched sheet from hell to stay on all four corners of the bed  before it pops back up and hits you in the fucking face.
    • No, it’s fine. I’ll just sleep on the mattress like the garbage can human I actually am. 
  5. Peeing On Someone: When one person squats or aims or whatever and allows their urine to fall onto the other person in a quote unquote sexual way.
    • I’ll keep peeing in places where I’m meant to pee. Like in the bathroom, or the shower, or the lawn of some frat house when they have a bonfire and I’m too drunk to wait in the line behind fifteen other drunk bitches.
  6. Doing The Other Thing On Someone: You know. The one involving the other stuff. The other bathroom stuff.• Just kill me first, okay? 
  7. Sleep On Clean Blankets: Washing your sheets, blankets, and pillowcases in what would be considered a timely manner.
    • Sure, I could wash my blankets, sheets, pillowcases, and random throws once a week. But I could also sit on my couch and stalk my boyfriend’s ex for three hours before watching an entire series on Netflix and complaining about how my life is boring for the rest of the day. It’s one or the other. 
  8. Sleep Without Any Laundry On The Bed: Managing to put clothes (both dirty and clean) away instead of throwing them on the half of your bed where an imaginary boyfriend would sleep.
    • It’s like an extra closet or built-in birth control. Or a sign that I’ll be alone forever. Either way. 
  9. Successfully Keep Pets And Douchebags Out Of It: Dogs (both the animal and human kind) are almost impossible to keep out of beds.
    • It’s like they’re drawn to it, and who am I to turn them down? Besides, all they want is some heavy petting, right? 
  10. Anything Involving Knives, Clamps, Or Pain: Sexual moments that are taken to the next level using some sort of “pain play.”
    • Let’s just stick to emotional pain, like not calling me back or saying I look “pretty” instead of “beautiful” okay? 
  11. Inviting More Than Two Males Into My Bed At A Time: Also known as an orgy. Also known as a lot of penis. 
    • So, I’ve never had more than one guy in my bed at a time. But I shouldn’t totally knock two because some people rave about that. But more than two? Come on. I don’t have enough hands, enough mouths, or enough self-hatred for that. 
  12. Doing It With The Lights On: For some absurd reason, you choose to keep the unflattering, blinding, overbright fluorescents on when you decide to get intimate.
    • I might be sexually adventurous, but I’m not fucking insane.

Image via Shutterstock

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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

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