Guys hit on girls at bars. That’s just how it is. I’m pretty sure that was one of the Ten Commandments carved on that slab Moses brought down the mountain. It’s a time-honored tradition that at best leads you to your soulmate and at worst leads to some guy barfing on you in the middle of a sentence. It was never something I thought much about until I started dating my girlfriend. All of a sudden, turning a guy down politely became a little more complicated.
Every time I tell a guy hitting on me in a bar that I’m dating a girl, his response is “that’s hot.” After multiple years of this, just thinking about it makes me cringe. I’m sorry, but someone else getting turned on at the idea of your relationship is honestly just plain weird. Especially when I think about the reality of it. You guys do the dishes and take your dog to the park on Tuesdays? That’s so hot. Is it, though, guy I just met?
I’ve developed a running list of the other questions I’ve been asked once letting a guy know that the blonde at the bar getting two gin and tonics is the girl I’m dating. Sometimes he’ll just shrug and walk away. Sometimes I don’t even bother going into the girlfriend thing and I just tell him I wear a chastity belt or that I’m actually sixty years old and have just used really good skin cream. Other times, the conversation can take a pretty weird turn. Some guys try and be polite. Most end up with a confused look on their face and one of the following questions coming out of their mouths.
- You don’t look like the type of girl who would date another girl.
Yeah I forgot my flannel and carabiners at home. Sorry. - So, how do you two have sex?
We’re in a relationship. There is no sex. - Which one of you is the guy during sex?
Me. It’s me. I grow a penis and an inability to commit. - Do you want to have a threesome?
With you and your boyfriend? Absolutely. Meet you in the bathroom in five. - Do you do porn?
That has nothing to do with me dating a girl, but yes. - How does scissoring work?
It’s where one girl stabs another with a pair of scissors until she bleeds out. Super hot. - Isn’t vagina gross?
Not any grosser than your ball sack, homeboy. - So you hate men?
That is exactly right. Actually, if I get too close to a boy I break out in hives all over my vagina. It’s happening right now. - Why don’t you like dick?
I do. I have a hot pink dildo with veins and everything. His name is Hector Zeroni. - Are you one of those girls who’s just saying you’re dating a girl so I’ll leave you alone?
Clearly my ruse isn’t working. - How did your parents take the news?
I’m assuming as well as your mom took the news that the condom broke. - How can you tell if another girl is gay?
Lesbians actually emit a high-pitched squeaking noise that only other lesbians can hear. That’s how we find each other. We’re just like German Shepherds.
Boys, I support your ability to ask some really weird questions. Now you know the honest and actual truth. Do with it what you will. I’m happy to be your resource as long as you keep the drinks coming while I tell you all the ~absolutely real~ details of my life as a girl-on-girl porn star..
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Shannon Layne
My favorite things are tiaras, compliments, and free drinks, which are becoming harder to come by the more I tend to show up at the bar in sweat pants. The proudest moment of my life so far has been landing an actual, paying job that allows me to Facebook stalk people for a living. I tweet about my mom way too often, who is constantly trying to remind me that I'm not nearly as cool as I think I am. Please send me funny stories to read at work here: shannon.laynee@yahoo.com
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