If you’re a true crazy girl, you should have no shame in your crazy game. You own your crazy — it’s part of your identity. Some girls might think they’re on your level, but they’re honestly not even close. Like, you don’t get to call yourself truly crazy if you stalk his ex on Instagram. That’s not crazy, that’s called being a girl. And you might think you’re one of us just because you looked at his phone while he was in the bathroom, but until you’ve saved your own fingerprint to unlock his phone, don’t even talk to me.
True crazy girls definitely own most of our crazy behaviors, but there are a few things we’ve done that are so crazy that we can’t even bring ourselves to say out loud. They’re so ridiculous, so out there, so batshit crazy that if your boyfriend found out you did any one of these things, he would question who you are as a person. But he won’t, because if there’s one thing crazy girls are good at, it’s hiding our crazy.
The following list includes things you would never, ever, under any circumstances admit to doing, but let’s face it — if you’re a true crazy girl, you’ve done all of these and more.
1. Come up with your wedding hashtag.
I debated even putting this on the list because to me it seems so tame, but my barometer for crazy is set pretty freaking high so I had to consult with some platonic male friends. They all agreed that if a girl did this with them they would be completely freaked out, so it makes the cut. Any girl can plan her wedding whether she’s single or in a relationship, but you need a guy to come up with a hashtag. Coming up with a wedding hashtag is the new doodling your first name with his last name. You would be pretty embarrassed if he found out about it, but it takes a lot of time and effort to come up with a great wedding hashtag. If you wait until you’re actually engaged to think about a wedding hashtag, you’ll be stuck with something basic like #Happily_______Ever, or #________TieTheKnot. Boooooring. Only true crazy girls think about their wedding hashtag before getting engaged is even a possibility.
2. Check messenger to see when he was last active on Facebook.
Boyfriend not texting you back? Head to Facebook and pull up his name on Messenger. It should tell you when he was last online, and even though that doesn’t really tell you anything about what he was doing, at least you know he was on Facebook and not having sex with another girl.
3. Check the Snapchat stories of the people he said he would be hanging out with.
It’s impossible to be with a guy every single second of the day, so for the for the times when you aren’t within hand-holding distance of your man, there’s Snapchat. People Snapchat everything these days, so it’s basically like a not-so-hidden camera you can use to spy on him. Add all of his friends on Snapchat and viciously stalk their stories when he’s with them. Are there girls there? Is he talking to them? If they are and he is, you’ll be sure to see it on at least one person’s Snapchat story. God bless social media.
4. Photoshop yourself into family photos to see how well you’d fit in.
You don’t need to be a Photoshop pro to do this, just copy and paste a solo pic into his family picture. Do you look like you belong? If so, begin planning your wedding hashtag immediately.
5. Look up his home address on Zillow.
If you’re lucky enough to get ahold of his parents’ entire address (maybe you spy a piece of mail from his parents or something like that), only the craziest of crazy girls will enter it into Zillow and see how much his family’s home is worth. Is this shallow? Yes. Is it practical? Absolutely. Money is the number one cause of divorce, and even if you never get there, it matters. If you can’t get ahold of his entire address, the neighborhood or subdivision should get you somewhere. And if you think this is crazy and wrong on so many levels, I don’t think we’d get along very well and you probably shouldn’t read the rest of this article.
6. Check his Twitter favorites.
If he’s active on Twitter, he’s going to have a few favorites. Most guys will favorite stupid sports tweets, but if your guy is favoriting a girl’s tweet about how she’s “lonely AF” or she “wants to find someone real,” you need to find out who the F she is and why he would ever do such a thing. You’re going to have to be more creative than just straight up asking him “Who is this?” but that shouldn’t be a problem for most crazies.
7. Slowly but surely change his style by buying him clothes you’d rather see him in.
You would never tell a guy that you straight up hate his clothes, but if you do, you can just as easily change it. Just start buying him clothes you think he’d look good in. Maybe your boyfriend has yet to realize that graphic T’s are soooooo 2010, so for every gift-giving occasion, fill his wardrobe with button downs instead. The only reason guys don’t dress well is because the only person who has ever bought him clothes is his mom. Keep adding to his wardrobe until the graphic T’s are only a memory, and most importantly, give him encouragement every time he wears something you bought him. Is it crazy to treat your boyfriend as your own personal doll? Sure, but think of the quality ‘gram posts. Worth it.
8. Send one of your friends to do a drive-by at the bar he said he would be having a guys’ night.
Amateurs might think to do the drive-by themselves, but real pros know that’s too risky. Have your friend (or a few friends) stroll by the bar he said he was going to and report back to you. If they get caught or noticed, it’s not as awkward as you getting caught spying on him. Even better, befriend the bartender at his favorite bar so he/she can keep an eye on him 24/7.
9. Upload your faces into a sketchy internet generator to see if your babies would be cute.
So what if those sites aren’t accurate? It’s basically just a rough draft of what kind of beautiful human you two would create. Even though you know it’s not accurate, true crazy girls can’t help but check.
10. Upload your faces into a sketchy internet generator to see what you would look like as an elderly couple.
This ranks higher on the crazy scale than the last one because it’s one thing to make a baby together, people do that on accident all the time. It’s quite another to spend 50 years with the same person and literally grow old together. Again, those websites and apps aren’t going to be accurate, but they’ll at least give you a guide to see if your man will still be fuckable at 80.
11. Check to see if your first name with his last name is already an account on Instagram, and if it’s not, create a new account to hold it until the right time comes.
Most of the things on this list are equally applicable every type of relationship — guy you’re in love with but doesn’t know you exist, hookup, boyfriend, fiancé, whatever. In this case, however, this crazy girl behavior should be reserved strictly for serious boyfriends. Someone you could see yourself
trapping into a lifelong commitment marrying.
Every day thousands of Instagram accounts are being created, so the possibility that your married name will be taken on Instagram goes up the longer you wait. If your first name and his last night is an open account, I would snatch that shit up if I were you. You can always delete it if things don’t work out, but just in case they do, you’ll be prepared on the day you change your social media handles. If you’re marrying someone with a last name like Smith or Roberts, don’t even bother. Just accept the fact that your Instagram will eventually have a long list of numbers and/or underscores in it.
12. Start leaving shit around his apartment/in his car to mark your territory.
The more he sees of you (and your stuff), the better. He needs to be reminded of you every time he goes to take a shower and sees your little pink razor or every time he goes to turn his bedside lamp off and sees a pile of your bobby pins laying on the dresser. Just sprinkle little pieces of you everywhere you go and you’ll be on his mind 24/7.
13. Fake an STD to find out if he’s cheating.
I haven’t done this yet, but after seeing how well it worked out for margsnmems, I’m taking notes.
Don’t say I didn’t, say I didn’t warn ya. .
Image via Youtube