I was home visiting my family this weekend, and I asked my dad if I ever in my life had a boyfriend I wanted to bring home if he’d let us stay upstairs together. He was like, in shock, because I’m fully a grownup, and said obviously (followed by some “joke” about if I ever had a man, he would be too afraid to rock the boat, so the fam would be on perfect behavior).
Anyway, he then made some kind of comment, like “Well, it’s not like I think you’re a virgin.”
I was like wahhhh? And he reminded me of the worst thing ever which I must have repressed.
“That idea went out the window when you were 18 sitting in the back seat of my car WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND, and went to hand me my change. And then handed me a condom along with it. My heart sank to my chest, and I just said ‘I don’t think all of this is for me.'”
Joke’s on him, because I wasn’t even using condoms. Don’t even know why I had it.
I was having sex with my boyfriend in the basement of my house and the pastor my mom hired to paint our dining room walked in on us. So like it wasn’t my father but it was a Father.
I was in the car and my mom literally looked at my sister and said “thanks for staying pure and saving yourself for marriage,” and then looked at me and said, “Thanks for not getting pregnant.” Dead.
My brother caught me giving head to one of his friends in the back seat of my car at a party. Him and the friend aren’t so close anymore.
My mom’s advice to me about boys is “you gotta ride the horse before you buy it.” she said that. to my face. at dinner.
I had a boyfriend who took great pride in his beard. Like he shampooed it, combed it, put in every stupid oil from his Dollar Beard Club box. All around, he was a hipster and an embarrassment. He’s always so vocal about it, so my mom asked to feel it. She said something like “wow! Your beard is so soft! Usually beards are so coarse.” And he blurted out “Yeah, but too be fair, it’s only ever this soft after I eat someone out.” He said that. To my mother.
Per usual, I had blackout sex at some point this summer when I was still in my college apartment. I’m assuming that in between rounds the guy just got lazy and dropped the condom beneath the bed and the wall or forgot or who knows but I never thought anything of it because 1. Blackout and 2. There were multiple condoms in the trash the next morning. When my mom and both grandmas came up to help move me out and into my postgrad apartment, they moved the bed and found a used condom literally stuck to the ground. I just about wanted to die.
I also don’t even want to think about how gross it is that there was a used condom under my bed for an undisclosed amount of time. But in my defense, how often do people clean out under their bed? I’m like maybe 2 a year?
When I was in high school my boyfriend would pick me up from my job AT THE MALL and we’d hook up in his car in the parking lot. One time we were getting naked and he took his shoes off and his feet smelled so bad. So I put his shoes outside the car. We start making out some more and just as I’m getting ready to put my mouth around his penis, a light flashes in the car. It’s a security guard. He saw his shoes and wanted to check on us. Turns out you’re not allowed to hook up in the mall parking lot. We got a police escort out of the mall premises and I got a strike at my job. Not about parents but embarrassing as hell.
One time in high school I came home with my shirt inside out and my mom totally caught me. She was so pissed for like five minutes and then we never talked about it again.
One time, my mom walked in on me having sex and she was like “Oh my God! I’m so embarrassed! I’m in my nightgown!”
In high school my girlfriend who I didn’t know at the time went to hook up with her then-gf (bitch) during the day on a school day. So they cut school, drove to a CHURCH PARKING LOT, and started hooking up. A cop knocked on the window and they were butt ass naked and she was mortified. I’m glad it didn’t happen to me but also sort of bummed that it didn’t because it’s a great story
If i ever were to give any advice to teenagers it would just be to avoid taking your clothes off in a church parking lot in general cause i’m pretty sure that’s when God calls the police
My ex’s dad literally walked in on me and him having sex with me on top in his childhood bunk bed. He got a full view of my naked self, then made a comment to me about my shirt being on incorrectly as I tried to leave.
My boyfriend and I told his dad that we loved going for oysters, and he point blank told us we were probably the horniest people in the city.
Nice Move181
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Veronica Ruckh
Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co
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