13 Ways To Survive The 2014 Southern Snowpocolypse

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If you’re from the south, there are many things you grow up knowing from the day you’re born. You know that football is practically its own religion, you’re doing an injustice to tea if it isn’t as sweet as you are, and the best passive aggressive mental attack on any bitch out there is just three words long: “Bless your heart.” There is one thing, however, that southerners know nothing about and that is snow. The very mention of it happening is about as laughable as Miley Cyrus’s morals. However, even on the slight chance of it actually snowing down here, we shut everything down. Unfortunately, yesterday no one predicted how bad things were going to get.

The pictures people are posting of congested roads are comparable to still images from The Walking Dead — people walking through grid-locked cars on abandoned highways, the National Guard at full force, people camping out in grocery stores — this stuff only happens in the movies. I got to watch all of the madness unfold from the safety and comfort of my parents’ house. While I’m not stranded in my car miles from home, I am in a house with nowhere to go, miles from my sorority sisters, stuck with my parents and two younger brothers. Dying of boredom and annoyance is putting it lightly. So, I have put together a list of things to do in hopes of helping any other unfortunate, trapped soul out there survive this damn Snowpocolypse until it all goes away.

1. Snowpocolypse Drinking Game!
Grab some wine. One drink for every time you hear the word snow. One drink for every time you see the word snow. Two drinks for every time you see actual snow. After playing this game you’ll be so drunk you’ll forget it’s the end of the world.

2. Netflix
This one obviously goes without saying. Grab your cat and a cup of hot chocolate and indulge yourself with endless reruns of Gossip Girl and Pretty Little Liars, or to be ironic, The Walking Dead.

3. Snow Selfies
This may result in hypothermia or pneumonia, but who hasn’t risked more than that for a good selfie?

4. Catch Up On Homework
LOL JK! Who does that? Especially when you’re practically living in the real life rendition of The Day After Tomorrow? I’m pretty sure the only thing they used books for was the fire.

Now is the perfect opportunity not to feel guilty for spending 8 plus hours pinning things you’ll never have for the wedding that will never happen. (Tip: try to alternate between your dream wedding and other stuff, so you won’t suddenly realize how forever alone you are. Well, on second thought…just drink your sorrows away and keep on pinning those Vera Wang gowns!)

6. Card/Board Game Drinking Game
If you have younger siblings, this is the perfect way to deal with them bugging you! Let them choose the game and every time you roll die or pick up a card, take a drink…or seven. Just get so drunk that eventually they get tired of you yelling “YOU SUCK” in their face and throwing cards on the floor. Depending on how old they are they’ll either cry and run away or just leave you to your drunken rage. Either way, you win.

7. Online Shopping
Need I say more? The end of the world is the perfect excuse for splurging on anything and everything on!

8. Tinder Drinking Game
One drink for any time a guy sends you a cheesy pickup line.

Tony: “Did it hurt?”
Me: “Huh?”
Tony: “When you fell from Heaven..”

Two drinks if you encounter a grade A doucher.
Me: “What’s up?”
Sam: “I am, baby. Wanna come over and see?”
*No. No I do not.*

Down the whole damn drink if you’re pretty sure the guy you’re talking to is a serial killer with a handle bar mustache and a freezer full of all his victims.

9. Actually Try Those YouTube Tutorials
If you’re ever able to get out of the house after this, having a few new makeup and hair tricks up your sleeve won’t hurt. You’ll show up at the inevitable “I Survived The Snowpocolypse 2014” themed frat party and all eyes will be on you. That is, you will if you actually master the tutorial and don’t end up burning all your hair off.

10. Clean or Organize Your Room
If your room is anything like mine right now, you should probably use these three days out of school to be productive and finally clean your room. Your mother will be happy. Or, you could just not and watch Netflix instead.

11. Skype Date
For any of you fortunate people out there, you are snowed in with your sorority sisters either just down the hall or within acceptable walking distance away. However, for the rest of us, there is just your family and your cat. Skype is the best way to stay updated on everything happening while you aren’t there.

12. Crafts on Crafts on Crafts
Have a little? Getting a little soon? CRAFT ALL THE THINGS! It won’t hurt to get a jump start on painting and bedazzling shit. While you’re at it, remember the golden rule: When in doubt, GLITTER IT OUT!

13. Just Drink Everything
I mean, you’ve got nowhere else to go. Might as well see how fast you can chug two bottles of wine without throwing up. It’s also not like you’re going anywhere tomorrow.

With any luck we will all live to see another day down here in the South, and if you try at least one of these things maybe your last days on Earth won’t suck so badly if this really is the end. Stay warm, stay alive, and may the odds be ever in your favor.

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PR_Problem1 is a college junior who still has no idea what she wants to do with her life. If a career in writing doesn't happen for her then she might just change her name and try her luck at counting card in Vegas. She makes her living by working two jobs that include children and serving alcohol (unfortunately they are both separate jobs). She likes Pina Coladas and getting lost in the rain...also cats. She loves cats.

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