Whenever Saturday rolls around, my friends love to go to the mall and raid the racks while simultaneously making fun of tweens on group dates. However, I am the Robin Sparkles of all things shopping. When I hear the phrase, “Let’s go to the mall!” I cringe worse than I did when my mother demanded I take the hem out of my middle school uniform skirt. How come? Well, malls and shopping in person are the worst thing invented since Tinder’s “Moments.” Well, I guess malls came first. But you get the point–they’re both the absolute worst.
- All the stores I like are on the opposite sides of the mall. You know what’s closer and requires no walking? My J.Crew and Nordstrom favorites tabs on Safari.
- This isn’t “Mean Girls.” Friends don’t need friends’ approval to buy that skirt, because normal friends will just say yes so we can all get the hell out of the store.
- Shoe shopping means carrying heavy bags. If I wanted biceps, I’d go to the gym and do more than just wear a matching outfit that compliments my butt.
- Speaking of working out, a girl has to carbo-load before the intense workout that is shopping in actual stores. Carbo-loading leads to food babies. Food babies lead to Netflix binges. Netflix binges lead to no time at the mall. It’s all in God’s plan, really.
- Outdoor malls scream, “We’re too cheap to put out for a roof! Here’s a vending machine to keep you hydrated with Pepsi products. Welcome to hell, ladies.”
- Malls are full of aggressive soccer moms and their even more aggressive elbows searching for the Skechers store. They stop at nothing to get to their destination, including pushing you to the ground while their sticky little minions laugh.
- Any girl who isn’t of normal size doesn’t have any luck in regular stores. Take me for example: I’m six feet tall. What’s with all the petite sections and nothing for us giants? Size-ists.
- PARKING. They say if you ever want to find parking, don’t even try to go to the mall on Christmas Eve, Black Friday, spring break, Saturday mornings, Saturday evenings, after 5 p.m., between lunch and dinner, or on days that end in “y.”
- The music they play in malls is the equivalent of being stuck in an elevator, being trapped in the car with your mom, and being in hell.
- And while we’re talking about hell, yo, mall! You got some A/C? I’m sweating harder than a Richard Simmons workout video.
- Shopping in your hometown increases the chances of running into someone from high school. Can’t run into that bitch Carol from PE from the privacy of your laptop, can you?
- Trying on new clothes is a reminder to lay off the Chipotle, until you pass by the inevitable Chipotle at the exit of the mall.
- Actually, Chipotle at the exit is winning when it comes to going shopping.
- Have fun buying bikinis, dweebs! I’m getting a burrito.
Nice Move325
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