1. Knight sticks, swords, etc are adorable props for your costume. However, everyone hates you when you get wasted and start violently gesturing with them or using them to clear a path through the bar. Regardless of how hot you may look as the slutty pirate, you are not Sratty Moses parting the Red Sea of drunk party patrons. Trust me.
2. Speaking of props, it’s in your best interest to have your bestie hold onto a second set of keys to the handcuffs that come with your cop costume…just in case your decision to handcuff yourself to the rando you were taking shots with doesn’t seem like a good idea 20 minutes later.
3. Hats/headwear/anything moveable WILL get stolen, so try not to get too angry that your sailor hat has wound up on the inexplicable Miley Cyrus cutout in the basement of the Beta house. Keep calm and drink on.
4. Just because some girl has the same costume as you doesn’t mean yours isn’t better.
5. Face makeup is incredible. Just remember to wash your face before you pass out. Your True Blood-inspired face all over your boyfriend’s pillowcase tomorrow morning will neither be cute, nor fun. And yes, you’ll have to wash it.
6. Never trust a guy wearing a mask, especially if his mask is identical to someone of the same height at the same party. Accidentally making out with two people and then forgetting who is who is the worst. Probably.
7. Make sure your costume is simple enough that you don’t have to explain it a million times. Nothing is more of a buzz kill than screaming, “NO! SEE, JESSICA AND EMILY ARE GETTING DRINKS, SO WITHOUT THEM I JUST LOOK LIKE A GIRL IN A GREY LEOTARD WITH A CANE AND SUNGLASSES…BUT WE’RE REALLY THREE BLIND MICE” over whatever awful music is blaring.
8. Don’t you dare get drunk and try to vanquish the Dark Lord just because you stole a wand from the kid dressed as Harry Potter.
9. OMG! You’re dressed as a devil and so is he!? YOU TWO MUST BE SOUL MATES, RIGHT!? Nope. No. No, you are not. Leave the poor boy alone, he thinks you’re crazy.
10. I’m all for the night of the living sluts, but even Halloween costumes have their risqué limits…let’s say you pick ONE area to be slutty with. You can’t go midriff baring AND boobs out AND barely there on the bottom. Pick one.
11. Should you decide to go home with a gentleman caller, make sure you can at least secure shacking clothes. Few things are worse than getting dropped off in front of your dorm, dressed as a slutty nurse, while a tour group of prospective students walks by and mothers cover their son’s eyes. Or so I hear.
12. This night is all about sustainability. Halloween is basically the Hunger Games of all drinking holidays – make sure you can make it to the end of the night. Don’t pass out because every cup of Hunch Punch was a different color and you just mixed 158902852 liquors within three drinks.
13. Speaking of the Hunger Games, DO NOT bring a functional bow and arrow with you to a party, because frat boys are children and someone WILL wind up maimed/bleeding/sober.
14. I LOVE festive drinks, ie, drinking vodka from a flask labeled “Holy Water” in a nun costume, sour apple martinis in your slutty Snow White costume. However, it’s a total amateur move if you think drinking 6 Bloody Marys is a good way to start your night as a vampire…because you will throw up on the bathroom rug and I WILL KILL YOU/make you buy me a new one the next morning, because you’re an idiot.
15. Stay the hell away from candy. Alcohol is calorie-laden enough. Don’t even THINK the words “Reese’s Cup” if you plan on liking yourself even a little bit come Spring Break.
Happy Haunting!
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