Let’s just get it out there: girls are fucking weird. Between talking to ourselves all the time (PLEASE. I know you have your Oscar speech DOWN) to wondering whether or not our kids would ACTUALLY be adorable with a celebrity crushes, we’re definitely the more bizarre of the sexes. I have had so many conversations with guy friends who move in with their longterm girlfriends and then a couple weeks later have this wide-eyed, veil-has-been-lifted stoic-ness about them.
“I had no idea,” he’ll say in a hushed tone. And I’ll put a reassuring hand on his shoulder. “I know. I know.” See aside from girls being, frankly, kind of gross, we’re just weird. And I’m not talking the Zooey Deschanel, Manic Pixie, “I’m so weird because I like polka dots!” weird. I’m talking no pants wearing, love handle squeezing, flossing in front of a magnified mirror weird. Once we really love a dude we’ll shatter the illusion of togetherness and normality we’ve so carefully crafted. Some of things guys will get and be all, “Yeah! I do that too and it’s the BEST.” Others they will never understand. And that’s okay! I get it girl, I get you.
- Taking off your bra right when you get home.
A wise person once said, “Home is where your wifi connects automatically and you bra comes off automatically.” And that person was absolutely correct.
- The feeling of freshly shaved or waxed legs.
Even better? Rolling around in silk sheets or pajama bottoms with freshly smooth legs. You feel like the human manifestation of butter and all is right with the world.
- Examining the contents of your pore strip.
Look at that little dirt forest you just yanked out of your face! Bonus points for studying it with the flashlight of your phone and delicately poking at the really tall ones with your pinky.
- Popping your joints.
And not just the basics like your back or your neck. Thumbs, toes, ear, hips. It makes you feel ALIVE.
- The sound our heels and boots make while we walk.
Every girl has a power walk song that they either BLAST upon realizing they’re wearing noisy shoes, or that they sing in their head while imagining they’re stomping a runway at a Taylor Swift concert.
- Pulling out an ingrown hair and seeing the follicle.
Gotcha, you little bastard. GOTCHA.
- Taking out your ponytail after a workout.
And the the headband and the bobby-pins. Then you instantly run your fingers through it and feel little beads of sweat and you imagine that this is how fitspo models feel all the time while the blood rushes back to your head.
- When you think you’ve gotten your period but you haven’t.
You’ll be sitting at work, refreshing Twitter and pretending to be busy and think, “Oh shit!” But then upon discovering you aren’t bleeding it will feel like cheating death. Ha! Not today, uterus. Not today!
- Stalking random people you’ve met maybe once online.
“Oh really Joseph Scott? A private Facebook? That’s cute…still found that ranch you worked on and your high school girlfriend. I wonder what she’s all about…”
- Stalking yourself online to see what other people see.
“My old cheerleading pictures still pop up on Google? I should get those taken down…I was way skinnier then…”
- Peeling off your nail polish.
The best is when it comes off in one, full, nail sized piece. It’s the closest we get to when we were little and used to peel glue off of our hands in kindergarten.
- Wiping off all of our makeup at the end of the night.
And then we stare at the weird swirl of foundation, contour, shimmer, smokey eye, and lipstick on the makeup wipe like it’s some weird work of art, while simultaneously apologizing to our skin for everything we put it through.
- Not being as drunk as you should be.
Wait…you drank an entire bottle of wine by yourself and you could still do multiplication tables and direct an Uber to your place if his GPS gave out? Ten Points to Tolerance!
- Bending over on all fours in front of a mirror to see how you look during doggy.
You’re welcome, guys. That is quite the view.
- Realizing you didn’t put on ten pounds thanks to period bingeing.
Pass the cupcakes and champs! Let’s celebrate!.