The great thing about best friends is that they are contractually obligated not to judge you, no matter how psychotic you are being. They can give you a heavy dose of reality or bitch slap the crazy out of you, but judge you they may not. This is never more evident than when you look back and read the 100% full blown psycho texts you have sent to your besties. Normal people wouldn’t get it, but your BFF expects nothing less. Below are just a few real life examples of straight up crazy texts that are only acceptable when sent to the best of best friends. Enjoy psychos.
- I’m thinking about having anal with Mark this weekend so obvi something needs to be done about my butthole situation. Wanna get our anuses bleached tomorrow?
- Shaun snapped me 13 minutes ago. One, how long should I wait before I open to give off the DGAF vibe? And two, how long should I wait to snap back?
- My nipples are so sensitive right now and all I can think about is that I’m pregnant or getting my period and I really don’t have the time to deal with either.
- I’m so stressed so I tried to masturbate but I was too stressed to be able to properly masturbate so now I’m the horrid combo of stressed and horny and I have no idea what to do.
- She’s just the type of person who you know is going to marry someone gay and then act all surprised when she catches her hubby balls deep in the pool boy.
- He’s trying to sext you at 4 pm on a Sunday. Your only move is to respond with horribly inappropriate and not at all sexual texts to let him know that that shit is not acceptable. Lay down the law.
- I would ask someone I work with for a new coke connect, but they all seem more like crack people than coke people and I’m not about that life.
- I’m trying to find the perfect dress that says “I’m a classy bitch and deserve respect, but I wouldn’t be opposed to you putting it in my ass on the first night” and I’m just not sure that exists.
- The thing is, I don’t even like him. I just feel like he won and I can’t let him win so now all I need to do is completely humiliate and destroy him and then I’ll win and I’ll be able to sleep at night.
- Sometimes I just read through our texts and I’m like fuck, we are fucking hysterical. Like we are seriously the best people on this fucking planet.
- We were having sex and all of a sudden he popped a blood vessel and his dick started bleeding profusely and like I had to pretend like I wasn’t freaking out but seriously WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?
- I just want to fuck Alex because I know Devon will find out and she’ll lose her goddamn mind which is always hilarious. Is that too mean?
- I just got my period which means I’ll have my period when we go on spring break. I’m seriously considering taking Plan B in two weeks to induce my period so I won’t have it over break and I just need you to tell me if that’s too aggressive or nah?
- I got aggressively angry and punched my wall and had to get stitches. I’m trying to figure out how to tell my mom without her committing me to the psych ward so SOS I need ideas.
- I’m trying to plan the perfect fall Insta pic outfit for Saturday so I really need to borrow that Free People shirt you have that I love. Cool?
- I’m pretty sure I got drunk and peed on all of my roommate’s shoes last night but she already hates me so fuck it, she can walk around in piss covered sandals.
Nice Move383
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ChampagneShowers
Champagne Showers is a contributing writer for TSM. She is your typical Northern Diva. If curse words, sexual content, and drug use offend you, then bless your heart. CS will continue living the life you're too scared to live. email her at: champagne_showers@outlook.com
@ChampShowersTSM
