The worst thing about any new relationship has definitely got to be your significant other’s old relationships. I’m not one for hating on ex-girlfriends, but what are you supposed to do with a particularly bitchy one? How do you handle one who, even though she swears she “doesn’t have a problem” with you, is always incessantly subtweeting about you, your boyfriend, and pretty much anything else that she can find to be bitchy about? Well, that, my friends, is when you get even. After which, you continue scoring to win the battle AND the war. Here are some foolproof ways to make her life a little more miserable so that maybe, just maybe, she’ll get her head out of your relationship’s ass.
Befriend a computer hacker.
Hack her Twitter and fill it with so many tweets about how much better you are than her that it will take her days to delete them all.
Steal her little.
Become besties with her little. Slowly turn her against the crazy bitch until her little can’t stand her, either.
Hire a witch.
Get said witch to curse her favorite drink so that she gains five pounds every time she drinks it.
Plant drugs in her car.
Call the police. This one may be a little more extreme, but, you know, you gotta commit to win it.
Get access to her cell phone.
Change all of her contacts to the most expensive phone sex operation you can find. Wait and laugh when she continuously tries to call people. This also works if you put in the number to a foreign phone sex line.
Learn her least favorite song.
You need to learn the song she hates most in the entire world, and then put it on everywhere. Find out who chooses the music for your local bar. Play it there all the time. Change her ringtone to it. Request it on every single radio station she listens to. Steal her iPod, make her think she lost it, and download the song 1,000 times before returning it to a random desk on campus and letting her know someone found it.
Find out her Starbucks order.
Go every day, right as your campus or closest Starbucks opens, and order all of every single ingredient it takes to make it. WARNING: This may cause her to have an extreme lack of ability to “even” for quite some time.
Hack her Tinder.
Match her with the most perverted, grossest, creepiest, pickup line-using guys you can find.
Go out to bars.
Use her name all night, and be sure to hit on someone’s boyfriend. Just make sure you leave before it gets too bad–you want the girl to find your guy’s ex, not kick your ass.
Take out a Classified.
Advertise as an “eager young woman just looking for some fun.” Put her phone number in it.
Go all “Mean Girls” on the bitch. Cozy up to her and then take out her hot body, army of skanks, and man candy. Just don’t turn into Cady and lose your head.
Give her Snapchat name out on Yik Yak.
Follow her name with a “;)” so people know she’s ready to be a little risqué tonight.
Sneak into her room at her sorority’s chapter house.
Leave alcohol, fireworks, and any other kind of contraband you can find in plain sight for anyone else who walks in. She’s definitely going to get called to standards for that one.
Spill her secrets.
You’re dating her ex, which means you obviously know things about her. I, for one, know that my boyfriend’s ex used to sneak him into the chapter house to have sex. You probably know 1,000 little infractions that might not seem so serious to you, but would DEFINITELY piss off her standards chair.
Push her into a fountain.
Do this in true soap opera fashion. So, like, in a long, formal dress. If you do it right, she should leave crying about how she was never woman enough for him anyway.
Tell her that enough is ENOUGH.
Look, I’m never one to tell you to hate on other girls, but you can only put up with someone for so long before you have to say something. If she won’t stop, it’s okay to stand up for yourself. It’s okay to tell her to shut the hell up. Trust me, I doubt anyone would blame you if you ripped her a new one..