Landing a guy can be hard. For some girls, it happens naturally. One day they’re single and slamming back tequila shots on the bar, the next second they’re baking mac and cheese and talking about how “we” are considering going gluten free, so this is the *last* cheat meal. If you’re one of the second types of girls, just know that everyone hates you. Like really, really hates you. If you’re one of the first, however, you know that sometimes desperate single times call for desperate measures.
So you make some changes. You don’t really think about it because your eye is on the relationship status prize. A tweak here, a fake orgasm laugh there — before you know it, you’re not really yourself, but more of a fake, robot version of yourself that was created to attract boys. When it comes down to it, sometimes girls do a whole bunch of really dumb shit to try to win over guys. Sorry ladies, just calling it like we’re all seeing it.
- Pretend to like doing things you don’t actually like doing.
I also enjoy putting cars together and going on long, hot, painfully boring hikes. - Even worse, pretend to like sports.
Sure. Some girls actually like sports. I’m not one of them. So uh, go team? Put the ball in the basket and hit the club at the fence or whatever. - Wear/own sports shirts.
Calm down. I have a Patriots shirt hanging up in my closet, used to lure in Brady-loving men too. - Eat things we hate.
Oh, you like seafood? Me *gag* too! - Don’t eat things we love.
“Oh no. I don’t even like carbs anyways. I’m totally fine with the filtered water and a lemon wedge, thanks!” - Dye our hair different colors.
I’m not dying my hair blonde because I just found out that he likes blondes! I’m doing it for me! - Literally paint our faces.
Snag him with the contour so he can fall in love with your personality, right? - Watch simply horrible movies.
Because yes. I also love movies with hots girls, fast cars, and way, way too many explosions. WE HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON. - Pretend to hate romcoms.
I don’t even *sob* know why *sob* people watch this *sob* shit *sob sob sob.* - And also pretend to have never even heard of love.
“No like, I’m just looking for a guy to text me at 2 a.m. but never make eye contact with me during the day when we pass by each other in the Business building.” - Drink beer even if we don’t like beer.
I’d rather pretend to like this beverage for the next seventy plus years of my life than feel uncool for thirty seconds. - Laugh at the jokes of a guy who is really unfunny.
HAHAHAH! I didn’t see that exact joke go viral on Twitter a month ago or anything! How charming! - Slowly and painfully remove every single hair from our bodies.
If God wanted us to have body hair, why would he have invented waxing? - Hangout while boys play video games or whatever.
Nothing like watching a boy play a shooting game for hours to make you wonder why you don’t just go buy more vibrators. - Act dumb.
It’s fine that your IQ, GPA, and expected gross income are higher than his. You just can’t figure out how to screw in that lightbulb! - Blow jobs.
Just kill me first. - Be ourselves.
When has that ever worked out for anyone?!
But really. Cut the shit, stop being fake, and actually try, I don’t know, being whoever it is that you are (except shaving. Don’t stop shaving)? Maybe those new highlights or a sudden interest in “boy shows” will make him fall for you. But chances are you’re going to get tired of upkeeping your roots or laughing at the same penis joke over and over. And if at the end of it all you die alone with pizza and cats, at least you didn’t have to pretend to like anchovies and action movies for your entire life, ja feel?.
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Rachel Varina
(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.
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