17 Easy Steps To Get You From Day Drunk To Your Night Out

17 Basic Steps To Help You Go From Day Drunk To Night Out

You know how to drink during the day. And yes, you know how to drink at night. But when it comes to taking that daytime drunken glory and transforming it into an all-night rage festival of champions, even the most seasoned party animals need a few pointers. Luckily for you, we crafted a step-by-step guide to help you master the art of drinking from dawn until, um, dawn.

Step 1: Dress appropriately. Throw on something you won’t mind having to toss in the laundry or just toss all together if/when it ends up soaked in sangria.

Step 2: Eat something. Today is not the day to be all like, “Oh, I’ll just have an iced black coffee and half a grape for breakfast.” This is your “Hunger Games.” You need to carbo load or else you’ll never make it out alive.

Step 3: Buddy up. Don’t pull a Beyoncé circa 2003 and go solo. A party partner will help you stay motivated, stay drunk, and stay in one piece (and if this drinking is beachside, in your one-piece, too). Plus, you’ll need someone to help you decide which filter to throw on your fifth selfie of the day, even if it’s only 3 p.m.

Step 4: Charge your phone. The last thing you need is to reach 5 p.m., be ready to make a move, and realize you’re at 2 percent and that no one else knows Jon From Tinder or has his number to see where he and his buddies are raging.

Step 5: Eat again. Oooooooh, nachos!

Step 6: Hold off as long as you can on shots. They are so hard to resist, and like that slut Shannon, they go down really easily. Trust us when we say that your best move is to pace yourself with hard liquor. Remember this rule when it comes to shots: Sun is up, pour just beer in your cup; sun has set, throw back some Fireball and make out with that dude (yeah, we know, it doesn’t rhyme, but it’s a solid rule).

Step 7: Don’t give up. You’re barely at the halfway point, and yeah, you’re probably hurting. But that doesn’t mean you should quit. It means you need a Diet Coke. And a really weird selfie with a stranger.

Step 8: Choose your next destination wisely, then commit to it. This is not a time to bounce from bar to bar. This is a time to find a steady stream of free or cheap alcohol in close proximity to a dance floor and get right to it.

Step 9: Post photos throughout the day. These will help you document how fucking cute that romper is on you, and they’ll also keep track of where you’ve been and who you’ve seen. This will especially come in handy tomorrow morning when you’re trying to figure out at exactly what point you met the guy who is still drooling on your pillow.

Step 10: Don’t buy anything that isn’t either alcohol or cheese-covered food. Sure, that disco-themed Slurpee trucker hat looks hilarious right now, but it’s $14. What the hell is wrong with you?

Step 11: Use your beer goggles on yourself in the bar bathroom. Damn girl, you look good.

Step 12: Eat pizza. More pizza is better than less pizza.

Step 13: Find the friend you came here with. Leave no drunk idiot behind.

Step 14: Request “Problem” by Ariana Grande from the DJ. When he says, “I just played that song for you 10 minutes ago,” be like, “Ugh, whatever,” and slip him what you think is a $10 bill but is actually a Pinkberry receipt from your pocket.

Step 15: Stop saying, “I’m not even that drunk.”

Step 16: Pick up a Gatorade on your way home and take at least two Advil before you pass out.

Step 17: Unlimited mimosa brunch starts at 11 a.m. Be there.

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Alyssa and Alison

Alyssa Wolff and Alison Leiby are stand-up comics and writers. Follow them at AlyssaWolff and AlisonLeiby.

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