I want to start off by saying, I’m sorry. I’m sorry we’re all disgusting, twisted creatures who want to know every raunchy thing other humans are doing. I’m sorry that these terms were ever created. I’m sorry you clicked on this article (okay, I’m not that sorry), and I’m sorry for what you’re about to see here. Let me just preface it with that.
A few months ago, I wrote a little article called “19 Need-To-Know Sex Terms That You’re Too Afraid To Google.” It was vulgar and funny and it got a hell of a lot of feedback. And so, in the tradition of taking something good and redoing it even though the sequel is never as good as the original, it was requested that I educated you all with some more lingo. I took to the internet, to TFM, and to the comments section of my last article to compile a new list of need-to-know terms.
Now, I couldn’t post all of these. I researched them, oh yes. And I couldn’t in my good conscious talk about some of these. Look them up at your own risk, but make sure you do so on an empty stomach. But, I took some of the least painful ones (which is saying something) and added a few not as bad ones of my own discovery just so you could try to keep your Starbucks down. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
The area between a male’s balls and his booty hole. (The male version of “cooch.”)
Used in a sentence: He asked me to lick his “gooch.” I asked him never to call me again.
- Portuguese Breakfast (AKA Scrambled Eggs)
Someone, most likely a guy, gets some perfectly good eggs and whisks them up. The girl lays down and puts her bottom up in the air. The male then takes a funnel (where he got it, I do not know), pours the eggs in her baby maker, and then has sexual intercourse with her.
Used in a sentence: He asked me for some eggs and I thought he was going to make me breakfast, instead he “scrambled my eggs” and gave me a yeast infection.
- Cheese Grater
When someone (most likely you, sorry) is giving you a blow job and you use too much teeth (or any teeth).
Used in a sentence: My ex always complained about how I didn’t go down on him enough, so I gave him a “cheese grater” and he never asked again.
- Norwegian Ice Dragon
When you’re giving a guy a blow job (you know, because that happens so often) and he’s about to, well, you know. Instead of warning you like a decent fucking human being, he grabs your head and keeps it there, causing sperms to gush out of your nose. Like a dragon or a really pissed off girl.
Used in a sentence: He gave me a “Norwegian Ice Dragon.” Now he’s blacklisted from every sorority and hasn’t gotten a blow job since.
- The Dolphin
When a guy attempts anal while you’re in doggy, and you reel your head back like a dolphin and make an “en en” sound.
Used in a sentence: He tried to slip it in there, but I gave him “the dolphin” and made him sleep on the couch.
- Chile Dog
Instead of using the toilet like a civilized person in society, a psychopath goes number two on a large-breasted girl’s chest, then proceeds to “titty fuck” her. You know. Like what you see in Nicholas Sparks movies.
Used in a sentence: If someone so much as say the words “chile dog” to me from now on, 10/10 I’ll projectile vomit.
- Alligator Fuckhouse
During sex, one person (most likely the guy) bites the neck of the other, locks her arms and legs down (like he’s wrestling an alligator) and starts rolling around, all while remaining penetrated. Yeah, that perfectly normal move.
Used in a sentence: I’m pretty sure my hillbilly cousins who married each other conceived their first child by doing the “alligator fuckhouse.”
- Angry Pirate
When a woman is giving a guy the best gift of all and gracing his penis with her mouth, he pulls it out and puts his nuts in her eye. Because that makes sense . She will, rightfully, let out some sort of profanity of disapproval. He then kicks her in the shin like a fucking asshole. She will then be hopping around cursing and holding her eye. Like an angry pirate. Or a girl who is about to swear off men forever.
Used in a sentence: He gave me an “angry pirate,” so I called the cops. Pretty sure he’s getting the death sentence or something now.
- The 300
Right after intercourse, you make sure your naked partner is at the end of the bed. Then, for some unknown really fucked up reason, you yell “This is Sparta!” and kick him/her off the bed.
Used in a sentence: The only way “the 300” would be sexy would be if Gerard Butler did it — but even then I’m on the fence.
- Cincinnati Bow Tie
When a guy sits on a girl, reverse cowgirl style. He then proceeds to have sexual relations with her breasts. Due to the odd placement of the guy’s testicles, it looks like she’s wearing a fleshy, disgusting bow tie.
Used in a sentence: The only thing in the world worse than 69ing is getting a “Cincinnati bow tie.”
Hooking up with someone who you’ve spoken less than 140 words to.
Used in a sentence: The more he talked about his love of Nascar and his ex, the more I wish I would have just “Twitterbanged” him.
- The Simba
When a male is about to ejaculate, he does so on the woman (some say on her face #killme, some say it can be anywhere). He then takes his thumb, dips it in his own semen (gag) and then spreads it across her forehead. He must also either say “Simba” in a really impressive way or start singing the theme song.
Used in a sentence: When he gave me a “Simba,” he combined my hatred for money shots and my love of Disney in the most confusing way possible.
- Ninja Sex
The amazing act of having noiseless sex (that means no squeaking springs, no fumbling, and no vocals) while one or more people are passed out in the same room.
Used in a sentence: If you’re not having “ninja sex” after formal, are you even in Greek life?
- Glass-Bottom Boat
One of the most disgusting acts of all time. One person lays underneath a glass coffee table. The other sits on top and presses their genitals on there for the person below to see. The grosser version involved poop, because doesn’t it always? You can use you imagination here.
Used in a sentence: If anyone ever uses my Ikea coffee table for a “glass-bottom boat,” I will quite literally make them disinfect the entire thing and then murder them.
- Master Nap
Falling asleep after masturbating, either planned or unplanned.
Used in a sentence: I dare you not to have “master nap” after a little solo afternoon delight. I dare you.
- Kentucky Muzzleloader
A guy puts some dip in his mouth before having sex with a girl. Romantic, right? Then, mid-penetration, he takes his penis out, SPITS DIP SPIT ON IT, and puts it back in. You know, because he’s a horrible human.
Used in a sentence: The fact that the term “Kentucky Muzzleloader” exists has made me research convents in my area.
Some people still have trouble with this one. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Used in a sentence: “Consent” everyone. It’s all the rage..
To read more disgustingly interesting sex terms, click here.
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