1. Her Instagram game is like a 19th century photographic catastrophe.
Wow, homegirl has NO cohesive aesthetic AT all. Like, why even have an Instagram? Just post to Facebook like all the other losers. That’s clearly where you belong, because you posted the same photo, from the same event, like, three times in a row. What are you, a fucking celebrity? No one cares about you. Literally no one, you fucking outfit repeater. Also, enough with the hashtags, you get a limit of two. This isn’t 2009. I mean, sure, you still look really pretty in those pictures, but what they say about you as a person is that you’re totally fucking weird, and really not that hot in real life.
2. She’s still using the Mayfair and Amaro filters like some kind of fucking pilgrim.
WHO uses filters any more? Jesus Christ on a cracker. I’ve had enough of this over-contrasted, over-saturated bullshit. Seriously, just alter the brightness and sharpness a little bit in Afterlight or VSCO like the rest of us. My GOD. It’s like she’s TRYING not to look hot.
3. She looks like a fucking boner on LinkedIn.
Okay, so you’re not going to put some party pic up on LinkedIn, but you literally look so tense that I think you might shatter if I flicked you. That, or maybe you’re holding in a fart, you disgusting incubus. Perhaps, you still look like an attractive young professional who is respectable and hirable, but all I can see is your fart face.
4. She has used the hashtag #Wanderlust or puts airplane emojis in her bio.
Who the fuck do you think you are Amelia Earhart? You fucking went to Seattle for a weekend, you do not have #Wanderlust. You are not an “explorer” or an “adventurer.” What kind of X marks the spot shit are you pretending to get into? I mean, I guess, you could, by some standards, be considered gorgeous laughing in a winery in the hill country, but who can even focus on your perfectly white teeth when you are hashtagging WANDERLUST.
5. She’s still wearing flower crowns.
Flower crowns. Fucking flower crowns. I can’t imagine something less hot than continuing to wear a trend that was ugly three years ago when it was popular. Get. A. Clue.
6. She over-Facetuned.
I’m not going to shit on a girl’s right to Facetune, but I am going to shit on you if it’s obvious. You have literally removed every single line from your face, and now you’re nothing but a blur with over-detailed shiny eyeballs. You are so unhot that you needed to literally erase your face before it was acceptable for social media.
7. She makes Facebook statuses.
Who in their right mind is still using Facebook as a social medium rather than as just…your homebase on the internet. Like, cool meme, girlfriend. I saw it on Twitter, like, two months ago, and it was barely funny then, so please take your crying laughing emojis and get the fuck out of here. Sure, you might be so skinny that I’m banning myself from food until next Tuesday, but your Facebook presence reminds me of my mother’s, and that’s not going to take any dude from six to midnight. Trust.
8. Her Twitter bio is “fluent in sarcasm.”
No one in history who describes herself as “fluent in sarcasm” has ever had even the slightest inclination toward comedy or sarcasm. I’m sorry, but having a good personality is the hottest thing you can have, and while to some, you might be aesthetically pleasing, physically, you can not truly be hot with this kind of garbage in your bio.
9. She calls your ex “This guy” in her captions.
This guy. THIS fucking GUY. Everyone knows his name! Everyone knows you are fucking. Why are you playing coy?! You don’t look coy. You don’t look cute. You just look so overwhelmingly basic that it overrides your “objective” hotness, and all I can see is your stupid fucking caption.
10. She uses inspirational quotes.
And worse, she wrote them herself. And worse, still, she uses them for the caption on her selfies. Do you think, for one second, that we’re going to think you’re some kind of beautiful poet? You’re not. You’re not a poet. Your “inspirational” quote doesn’t even make sense. And while before reading it, I might have said you were beautiful, now that I know what kind of nonsense is floating around in your brain, I can’t even say that.
11. She takes mirror selfies.
Sure, her body is a 10, but her face is only about an 8. Probably a 7, actually. Okay, maybe an 8, but her self-awareness is only at about a 2, so mathematically speaking, she’s like a 4. You can’t take mirror selfies of your body like some kind of monster. You just can’t.
12. She spells her own name wrong.
Really, Ashleigh? Is that necessary? I know this is technically your parents’ fault, not your own, but sometimes, we just have to play the cards we were dealt. Your name is so extra that it’s unattractive, no matter how attractive you may or may not be on the outside.
13. Her poses are WEAK.
A skinny arm? In 2016. The skinny arm is so outdated it hurts. And oh, GOD, you are so awkwardly hunched over in some of these tagged photos, that you look like a gargoyle. Nothing makes a “pretty girl” look less pretty than awkward body language in photos. How did nobody stop you from posting this? How? Your friends and random dudes from Dubai telling you you’re a babe or a “beutiful princes,” respectively, are LIARS.
14. Her social media accounts are on private.
Wow, sure, you can look amazing in your avi, but like, that’s ONE photo. Anyone can do it once. A private account means one thing, and one thing only. She is HEINOUS.
She has emojis in her bio as if you’re still allowed to do that after you’ve had your first menses.
IS this middle school?! IS my ex a fucking pedophile? I know we live in a society that infantilizes women, but seriously, this shit is not a good look. You can’t be “hot” while simultaneously having a bunch of rainbows in your bio, no matter how conventionally attractive you are.
That weird fucking face she makes sometimes.
It’s kind of hard to describe, but she, like, juts her chin forward a little? I don’t know. It’s just this weird face she makes in so many pictures. It’s kind of hard to notice, and she could still “technically” be hot even when she makes it, but once you see “the face,” you just really can’t unsee it. It’s so unattractive if you really look at her.
When you showed all of your close, personal friends her photos, they all told you she wasn’t even that pretty.
And I’m sorry, but if my best friends who have every allegiance to me and are legally required to hate you say you’re not hot, it’s probably true. I mean, they wouldn’t lie to me. They’re my BEST friends..
Image via Shutterstock
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Veronica Ruckh
Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co
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