17 Things You Should Keep Secret Until The End Of The Semester

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You tell your friends everything. Well, almost everything. Your girlfriends know all about your drunken make out sessions, what diet you’re trying next (Nothing but gummy vitamins and clear alcohol!) and how you absolutely despise your European history TA because he over-pronounces ev-er-y-thing. But there are still some dark truths you’ve kept completely hidden, and now you want to get these things off your chest. Take it from us–don’t tell anyone about these things until after your final formal. Nothing ruins a night like being four drinks deep and having Lauren remind everyone that you’re the reason no one can go back to Britney-only karaoke night at The Tap.

Seriously, these big reveals can wait until brunch the next day:

  1. You borrowed Claire’s hot pink platform stilettos to wear out on Thirsty Thursday but somehow came home with only one, so you threw the other away.
  2. You were the one who ate that entire cheese platter the night before the Founders’ Brunch last May. #NoRegrets
  3. Yes, you drunkenly tore down the curtains in Katie’s bedroom, but only because you truly believed you would be able to sew them into adorable matching rompers for Field Day.
  4. You’ve peed in the garden. More than twice.
  5. Okay fine! You spiked every single bottle in the fridge marked “juice” with vodka, but it wasn’t your fault! You never got the email announcing the sorority-wide pre-spring break master cleanse.
  6. You knew you were allergic to jello but you did those shots on last year’s booze cruise anyway. But whatever, it was worth it–those Coast Guard EMT guys were so hot.
  7. You send a lot of Snapchats to Rachel’s mom. Like, too many.
  8. You were the one who stepped on the back of Maddie’s maxi dress, forcing her to fall down the stairs in front of the entire Sigma Chi pledge class. And yes, you blamed it on Christy. Whatever.
  9. As an undergrad, you’ve spent more money on togas than you have on books.
  10. Yes, you threw up in the ficus in the foyer. Again, #NoRegrets.
  11. Last year when the house was up in arms about that raccoon that got into the kitchen, you may have left the door open–and a box of pizza on the counter–the night before.
  12. After the ’80s-themed mixer your sophomore year, your ex-boyfriend peed on your roommate’s futon and you just flipped the mattress.
  13. During almost every pregame this year, you snuck off for your rage face ritual of doing a shot alone and eating beef jerky in your roommate’s closet.
  14. You found a gold Rolex on your nightstand after the winter Golf Pros and Tennis Hoes party and you still don’t know if you hooked up with someone or just stole it.
  15. You wrote Zac Efron a fan letter. And included a picture. Of you. Naked.
  16. Those nights you said you were at the library studying for econ? You were actually taking tap dancing classes.
  17. The reason why everyone in the house gets so many free rounds at O’Brien’s is because you made out with multiple bartenders there.

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Alyssa and Alison

Alyssa Wolff and Alison Leiby are stand-up comics and writers. Follow them at AlyssaWolff and AlisonLeiby.

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