- Ask him if you can play video games with him, and then proceed to kill him even though you’re on the same team.
- Wake him up by politely asking if he would like a cup of coffee, and when he says yes, gently whisper, “Too bad, I drank it all, bitch.”
- Invite all your girlfriends over for a wine night anytime there’s a major sporting event that he’s dying to see.
- Get up and excitedly dance every time “Single Ladies” come on at the bar.
- Treat every photo op like he’s your bodyguard by making him hold all your shit and stepping forward to pose solo.
- Fill your house with fresh flowers at the peak of allergy season, just to show his sinuses who’s boss.
- Jump into a body of water every time you’re able. While you climb out, stare him dead in the eye and tell him, “RIP to your car’s leather interior.”
- Offer to buy him a round, but make sure whatever you get him is virgin.
- Google the ending to his favorite show and spoil it in the most evil way possible, like via lettering on his favorite cake or through a Snapchat nude caption.
- Tell him he’s the Ramsay to your Sansa.
- Disappear for hours at a time. When he asks where you keep going, tell him you’re filming your own Lemonade album because you “know about Becky.”
- Re-download Tinder and swipe right on all of his immediate family and/or friends.
- Treat him like he’s your British chauffeur by calling him “Jenkins” and sitting in the back seat every time he drives.
- Surprise him on your anniversary with a beautiful home-cooked meal, which you made using solely ingredients that he is allergic to.
- Block his number and then chastise him for failing to answer your many texts and calls.
- Tweet at all your favorite male celebrities, telling them you’re single and in need of a formal date.
- Give him blue balls whenever possible, as this is the most legal (and fun) form of domestic abuse..
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Lucky Jo
Lucky Jo is a former and current TSM writer who likes her men how she likes her coffee: way too hot and unforgivably bitter. She graduated from the University of Missouri in 2016, proving that C's do in fact get degrees. She now spends her days working for a social media marketing agency, hiking with her dachshund, and trying to bring back the scrunchie. Hate mail and goat memes can be sent to lucyjmulvihill@gmail.com.
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