Shackers. House guests. Overnighters. Whatever you want to call them, they have a tendency to overstay their welcome and infiltrate your happy place (i.e., bed). There’s an unfair stereotype that deems women predominently guilty of shacking far past a socially acceptable hour, but if you ask me, men are far more at fault. Not only do they snore, but they sprawl out like limp hyenas and take up way more than their fair share of the bed. Sometimes, you just want them to peace out so you can crawl back into your safe haven and get as much sleep as the good lord intended. But how do you get him to leave, apart from pulling a Jon Hamm from “Bridesmaids” and softly whispering “I don’t wanna be a dick, but I really want you to leave”? Such brutal honesty would surely crush his shattered male ego and send him into a world of depression. Here are a few alternative solutions to waking up your shacker in a way that ensures he will GTFO, stat.
- Light a bacon scented candle. When he wakes up blissfully happy and thinking you’re a total gem for making him breakfast, scream “LOL JK, GET OUT.”
- Buy a set of cymbals, and continuously clash them together like one of those deranged toy monkeys until he runs away while crying and clutching his ears.
- Gently push a loose strand of hair out of his face and comment that his locks would make for and excellent mattress stuffing.
- Shove a pillow under your sweatshirt and insist that you’re the victim of a shockingly fast Twilight-type pregnancy. Be really mad at him for failing to mention that he’s a vampire.
- Get right up in his face and tell him that he left the toilet seat up, and you will be accepting his left testicle as a form of payment for his crimes.
- Tell him that you’re late for a very important brunch, and that he needs to leave immediately. When he comments on the fact that you’re wearing sweatpants, look away and say in a quiet voice, “These sweatpants are all that fit me right now.”
- Get a fog horn. Simple, but effective.
- Hire an old homeless woman to take your place in bed and wake him up by lightly stroking his chest and asking how last night’s ecstasy was with a loving, toothless grin.
- Put on a wedding ring and a white silky nightgown with “Just Married” written on the back in rhinestones. Tell him you can’t wait to start your life together.
- Pour fake blood all over the bed and blast siren noises from a speaker while you hide in the closet.
- Borrow as many cats as you can from everyone you know, and place them all on your bed. Tell him that they’re your children.
- Get as close to his ear as possible and scream as loud as you can. When he’s done shitting his pants, calmly say, “Oh good, you’re up.”
- Send him an endless string of “U up?” texts until he is, in fact, up.
- Acquire a weapon and loudly announce, “The ritualistic morning-after purge will commence in five, four, three…”
- Ask him if he would like to eat breakfast. When he says yes, tell him that he better going, then, because McDonald’s stops serving it at 10:30.
- Place a portrait of Justin Bieber on an altar and surround it with various candles and rose petals. Worship the shrine loudly and apologize when you notice that your ceremonial prayers interrupted his sleep.
- Tell him that you register heavily with Ramsay Bolton, and ask if he’d like to be your Sansa Stark.
- Put on a backpack and violently shake him, insisting that you can’t be late for first period because one more tardy and you’ll get a detention. .
This column was originally published on August 6, 2015.
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Lucky Jo
Lucky Jo is a former and current TSM writer who likes her men how she likes her coffee: way too hot and unforgivably bitter. She graduated from the University of Missouri in 2016, proving that C's do in fact get degrees. She now spends her days working for a social media marketing agency, hiking with her dachshund, and trying to bring back the scrunchie. Hate mail and goat memes can be sent to lucyjmulvihill@gmail.com.
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