Guys are just the best. They’re big and warm and they tell us we’re pretty even when we look like bags of trash. They’re the reason we buy pushup bras, spend hours on our makeup, and even think about going to the gym. Yeah yeah, I know. “You do it for yourself.” Whatever. The point is, we think guys are the shit. But when we take the heart emojis out and the adorable nicknames away, we can see them for what they really are — disgusting.

1. They constantly put their hands down their pants.
   Maybe if they keep touching it, it’ll keep growing?
2. And think scratching their balls in public is just like, accepted.
   They can’t be that itchy. 
3. Porn. So much porn.
   Whatever you do, don’t click on that suspicious, unnamed folder on his computer.
4. And how often you think they jerk off, multiply it by 100 and you might be close.
   If you ever ask him what he’s doing, he’s probably doing himself.
5. Seriously, he’s probably jerking off right now.
   Don’t say I didn’t (say I didn’t) warn you. 
6. And to something totally weird and nonsexual.
   Like a yoga video. Or his mom’s Good Housekeeping magazine. 
7. Don’t get anywhere near their feet after a long day.
   Don’t know why they don’t believe in baby socks, but don’t get close enough to find out — the smell could knock you out before you get an answer. 
8. They Snapchat each other pictures of their shit. I’m not kidding. They do this.
   That’s way, way worse than the mid-peeing ones we send each other. 
9. And they follow Instagram accounts that make you cringe.
   You’re not following her for her “fitness tips,” sir. 
10. Small, coarse, black hairs cover every surface of their bathrooms.
    Put on your hazmat suit before entering and only breath through your mouth.
11. Their fridges include Natty Light, hot dogs, and a few slices of old cheese.
    Where’s the hummus? The Skinny Cow cheese wedges? The rosé?
12. There are bodily functions, and then there’s turning bodily functions into a hobby.
    Burping in our faces didn’t work in second grade, and it doesn’t work now. But that doesn’t stop them from trying. 
13. They bring up blow jobs every waking minute.
    Maybe it’s time your dick does learn to suck itself. 
14. And they think that threesomes and buttstuff are things that could happen if they hint enough.
    Can’t we just lay in missionary and make intense eye contact for seven minutes before watching your sisters’ boyfriend’s cousin’s best friend’s Netflix? 
15. The sheets should just be burned at this point to put them out of their misery.
    It’s almost better that all of the stains are unidentified.
16. Spitting. Literally so much spitting.
    Spit is supposed to stay INSIDE your mouth. That’s the whole point. 
17. Drinking alcohol in ways alcohol was not intended to be drunk in.
    Why you needed to pour it down that girl’s tits or dump it all over your head is beyond me. 
18. Shamelessly stare at any and all females who walk by you.
    We get it. She has boobs. Calm down. 
19. The fact that they put up with all of our disgusting habits makes them pretty damn gross.
    What? Sure we don’t shower as much, don’t shave sometimes, shed hair everywhere, can’t have a clean closet to save our lives, and usually have trash in our cars but we’re not that bad, right?

Guess we can all just be gross together..

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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

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