Dear Best Friend,
You are a beacon of light in my otherwise dreary and uneventful life. I cherish every moment we share, especially those that are drowned in alcohol and spent performing our regular degenerate shenanigans. However, you sometimes exhibit inappropriate and embarrassing behavior. In other words, you’re a crazy mofo and I respect you madly, but I cannot keep up with you. I have compiled a list of grievances against your past drunken behavior. I humbly request that your drunk alter ego study up on the following lessons, because that bitch has some major issues.
1. When I put my index finger on my lips and tell you, “shhh,” that does NOT mean that you should speak even louder and repeat yourself several times.
2. When you spill a drink, it will not immediately evaporate. Unless you clean it up, it will remain puddled on the floor and someone (most likely you) will fall and hurt herself.
3. A stranger’s lawn is not a viable or safe option for a bed. Additionally, when I ask you to postpone your nap until you find a more appropriate location, please refrain from calling me a bitch and telling me that I’m ruining your life.
4. While I thank you for your concern of my loner status, I do not need you telling every guy within a 20 foot radius that your “single friend” is “totally DTF.” I am not.
5. I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this, but you have a terrible singing voice. Like, really terrible.
6. Furthermore, the music soundtrack at our favorite bar is NOT a singalong track. Drink your vodka and shut up.
7. Please refrain from promising bouncers blow jobs FROM ME in exchange for free cover. It’s just not going to happen.
8. I agree that facial hair is a gift from God and that boys who sport it exude sex in every possibly way. However, you cannot touch a stranger’s face. He is not a puppy.
9. When you get hangry (hungry/angry), I honestly fear for my life. You are not a child, and thus, your tantrums need to stop. In the meantime, I have a hidden tennis racquet under my pillow for my own protection. Don’t make me use it.
10. If you eat a whole row of Oreos, you WILL regret it in the morning.
11. Don’t be surprised if, when you drunkenly call your boyfriend at 3 a.m., he isn’t interested in hearing about how you fell and scuffed your new boots. He has a penis; he’s not going to give a shit.
12. You also suck at dancing.
13. It is not appropriate to take off your pants while your roommate has company over after a night out, no matter how constricting your skinny jeans are. I know for a fact that you have approximately 5,000 pairs of sweatpants. Kindly use them.
14. If you see a cop on the street, it is not necessary to inform him that you are “being totally safe.” It has the exact opposite effect that you think it will.
15. Yes, the delivery man will want to see your boobs. No, you should not flash him “just for fun.”
16. If the bartender sees you over-intoxicated and making an ass out of yourself, he will rightfully water down your drinks or refuse to serve you more. If this happens, it is not okay to scream, “THIS IS AMERICA, BITCH!” I respect your patriotism, but cut the shit.
17. You cannot flag random cars as if they are cabs and request rides home from strangers. Jesus, bitch, didn’t your parents ever teach you about stranger danger?
18. I actually do appreciate it when you get super drunk and spend half an hour gushing about how “prreeeetttttty” you think I am–but stop touching my face, please and thank you.
19. Don’t fight me when I force-feed you a bottle of water and some Saltines. You’ll thank me in the morning.