Rock the presidential social media feeds. Getting more followers than Kim and Tay might be hard, but the new HBIC is just the girl to do it.
Order all internships to be paid internships. We all know college students waste the most money of any demographic. We might as well pay them and, in return, have more money put into circulation.
Have a Starbucks built into the White House. A well caffeinated president is a better president.
Host the most amazing philanthropy events. Boring White House rallies will become White House dance marathons. #FTK
Throw the best house parties. Don’t mind her. She’s just doing what every event planning chair was born to do in the best venue location ever.
Make a paddle for the Vice President. I can see the Instagram caption now: love you little prez *kissy face emoji*
Make a cooler the First Gentleman. He can bring it on all the trips abroad to meet global leaders. What better way to end foreign policy meetings than with a drink?
Initiate a fuckboy search and destroy mission with the armed forces. The oppression shall end, my friends.
Deem pizza the official food of the capital. This is a thing that can be done, right?
Use the Greek system as a model for the nation. All new laws will be formed on the principles of integrity, compassion, respect, and, mostly, true friendship.
Create a secret handshake that must be used to enter all presidential meetings. And make all meetings essentially just like chapter–once a week, short, and sweet.
Start an official presidential hand sign. Hint: it looks like the White House mixed with a crown.
Hire really hot, buff body guards. Looking badass at all public appearances will be of the utmost priority. “C’mon boys, time to make my speech.”
Make “twin” crafts for me and my decoy look-alike. Hopefully she doesn’t have to take a bullet, because the photo opportunities would be just too good.
Introduce the White House to some updated, shabby-chic decor. That place could use a little Hobby Lobby magic. And definitely more pink.
Make as many appearances on “The Ellen Show” as possible. Hell, why not appoint her as a cabinet member? How can anyone say no to that voice?
Promote entrepreneurial endeavors. AKA support those earning a living via Etsy, Instagram, and Vlogging. Everyone knows those careers are skyrocketing. #jobs
Lower the drinking age to 18 in all states. As my “cool mom” once said, if you are old enough to give your life fighting for your country, you can handle a damn drink.
Lastly, a sorority girl would make America great again AND make America whole, without the absurd combovers, ridiculous scandals, and grade-school-level bickering about size. But you can rest assured she’d have some super cute, heeled boots on the campaign trail. #ElectionJokes.
Who said you can't be smart and funny? When I'm not writing for TSM, you can find me studying into oblivion, downing a bottle of chardonnay, and/or sobbing for reasons I have yet to understand. All hate fan mail can be sent to firstname.lastname@example.org.