About a million times a day, my friends and I say “we wish we had…” about some item that hasn’t been invented yet. While I’m in no way an inventor (I consider it a huge success when I rig a way to get my leggings to stay in my boots) I figured creating a list of things we ladies absolutely need this year can only help the actual inventors get projects started, right?
- A pill that makes me stop obsessing over a guy. My usual combination of vodka and denial isn’t working, and I need some help.
- While we’re at it, a pill to stop the feels. That shit just makes everything more complicated, and the last thing I need is for my life to be more complicated.
- Oh, and a pill that will just melt off my extra pounds. I hate the gym and I love chocolate, which doesn’t help.
- And one that will prevent a hangover. So, pretty much pills that will solve all of my problems. That’s what modern medicine is for, right?
- A Chipotle make-your-own-burrito kit. Sometimes I want a burrito, but I don’t want to put on pants, and they won’t serve you without some form of pants. At least, that’s what they told me last time.
- Or just a Chipotle delivery service. Let’s be honest, I’d most likely fuck up making it for myself at home.
- Pizza vending machines. If they have them for cupcakes, they should have them for pizza.
- Vodka vending machines. What goes better with pizza and cupcakes than vodka?
- Cute heels that turn into flats. My bag is too small for a second pair of shoes, and yet I don’t want to break an ankle when I’m drunk later.
- A breathalyzer for my phone. Somehow, despite not being able to find my shoes or my purse or my sanity, I can find the number of the asshole who I deleted six months ago when I’m wasted.
- While we’re at it, a way to recall stupid texts I sent that he hasn’t read yet. I don’t understand how this doesn’t exist yet.
- Fat-free cheese that tastes good. The war between my love of cheese and the size of my ass is an ongoing struggle and this is a weapon I need in the fight.
- A spout in the bathtub that dispenses wine. I’m always afraid I’m going to break or spill the bottle in there, and that would be a hot mess.
- An option on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter that lets you filter out engagement photos. I don’t need the constant reminder that I’m single, you happy assholes.
- Actually, if we could make the filter so I could just see the really ugly ring and manicure combinations as well as horrible engagement scenarios, that would be great. My friends and I spend hours mocking that shit.
- An erasable highlighter. Sometimes I study drunk and it shows and I don’t want to be judged by the kid I sell my history textbook to.
- Or a way to study while sleeping. That osmosis stuff we always hear about must be true, right? So I’ll just put my book under my pillow and we’ll be good? I could use another nap.
- Little chips that I can put inside the things I lose all the time. The chips would sync to my phone to show me where said missing items are located. If I lose one more pair of cute heels after a night out, the people at DSW are going to start to think I have a problem.
- Restaurants and bars that have cell phone chargers at every seat. Again, I don’t understand how this doesn’t exist yet. My iPhone has three percent battery and I don’t want to actually talk to the people I’m out with.
None of this sounds unreasonable, right? I mean, we have little vacuum robots and cars that park themselves and apps for everything under the sun. So, inventor people, let’s get on it — there’s a whole market of sorority girls waiting for this stuff..
Nice Move629
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Jenna Crowley
Jenna used to be known as 2NOTBrokeGirls, but then one of the girls actually went broke, so she's struck out on her own. Jenna spends her free time saving the world, one sorority girl at a time (usually while wearing yoga pants), questioning why she decided to get a doctorate, and documenting her love of all things cheese related. You can ask her anything you want about football, using your boobs to get what you want, and pizza at @JennaLCrowley on Twitter or via email at JennaLCrowley@gmail.com.
@JennaLCrowley
