You shacked and subsequently lost everything you’ve ever owned. Like, get it together, girl.
1. Dignity.
Like. It’s gone. Forever. #bye
2. Bobby pins.
Millions of them. The weird thing is you didn’t even have any in your hair.
3. Underwear.
They were the rattiest, holiest, oldest pair you owned. Not horrifying in the slightest.
4. A shoe.
Not both. Just one.
5. Bra.
In all of its optically illusioned padded glory.
6. Contacts.
You were literally blind when you broke up. It’s cool.
7. Hair Extensions.
This one is kind of embarrassing. And also expensive.
8. Purity Ring.
Oh, the irony.
9. Your Orgasm.
NARS blush, that is. It’s the only kind you’ve ever known.
10. Spanx.
The horror.
11. Phone.
Or perhaps you left that at the bar. Everything after your fifth tequila shot is a little fuzzy.
12. Fake ID.
The only thing you need to get back. #priorities
13. Real ID.
Get on your blow job praying knees and hope to God that he doesn’t look at your picture.
14. Credit card.
Whatever. Just have your dad order you a replacement, but don’t tell him how you lost it.
15. An Earring.
Again, just one. It’ll probably take you a few hours to realize that you’ve been walking around like a pirate for the better part of a day.
16. A Rent The Runway Dress.
If you don’t send it back, they charge you for the dress. Your mom is going to freak when she sees the credit card bill this month.
17. Chicken Cutlets.
You know, those little inserts that take your A cups to D cups. You are the reason he now has trust issues.
18. Hair Tie.
Well. You clearly can’t go to the gym now. Tragic.
19. Michael Kors Watch.
Pause. HOW WILL PEOPLE KNOW YOU ARE IN A SORORITY WITHOUT IT?!
Nice Move264
Respond
Catie Warren
From Rush To Rehab (@catie__warren) is a semi-fuctioning adult who has been celebrating her 21st birthday for the past three years. She attended college in the nation’s capital and to this day is angry that Pit Bull lied to her, as you cannot, in fact, party on The White House lawn. Prior to her success with TSM, Rehab was most famous for being featured in her hometown newspaper regarding her 5th grade Science Fair Project for which she did not place. In her spare time, she enjoys attributing famous historical quotes to Marilyn Monroe and getting in fights with thirteen year olds on twitter. Email: catie@grandex.co
@catie__warren
@catie__warren
