We love the “basic” things in our society today: selfies, Starbucks, and Chipotle, to say the least. When it comes down to it, most of us shouldn’t be held responsible for our basic-loving ways. We’re programmed, born, and raised this way, and from birth, we were given the most basic bitch names, which ensured us a life of being, well, basic.
So here it is, a list of the 20 most basic bitch names to date. If you’re on here, I hope you swallow your Starbucks before spitting it out all over your Macbook and posting a passive-aggressive subtweet, because honestly, it’s not your fault that you’re so basic.
1. Stephanie: I’m not saying she’s a beautiful bitch who could literally make pledges cry, but uh, she’s a beautiful bitch who could literally make pledges cry.
2. Emily: She’s a small, gorgeous, terrifying ball of sassy, bitchy perfection.
3. Anne: She’s the plaid-wearing, pursed lips Vivian Kensington of the world. This is why all the smart ones go by Annie until they get a real person job that forces them into a life of complacency, fake laughter, and bottles of chardonnay after SoulCycle.
4. Jessica: There’s a good chance she has been gorgeous all her life. She has transitioned from a bow-wearing cutie to a bow-wearing slut, and people seem to be pretty okay with that. Especially the guys.
5. Ashley: She likes PSLs, selfies, scarves, and snapchatting all of that in her story. She is the epitome of a beautiful, basic bitch and she feels totally #blessed about it.
6. Maddison: Cue hair flip emoji girl.
7. Victoria: She acts like she’s an angel, and sure, she’s got a lot of “secrets,” but she won’t hesitate to let everyone know she can get whatever and whoever she wants, all while sporting a fake smile and some expensive highlights.
8. Lauren: A regulation hottie.
9. Sarah: She’s most likely a well-organized, philanthropic, headband-wearing nightmare who makes you feel bad about yourself in just about every way possible. It would help if she was ugly, but, of course, she’s not.
10. Samantha: An outgoing, fun-loving, tabletop-dancing girl. If “Sex and the City” didn’t cue you into her hobbies, then you’re in for a big, sexual surprise.
11. Christina: Pretty sure she invented resting bitch face.
12. Jennifer: She’s the type of girl who has perfect hair, makes perfect muffins, and has perfected the art of giving. Don’t let her sweet smile and innocent-sounding name fool you–she’s philanthropic in more ways than one.
13. Rachel: Nine times out of ten, she’s an outgoing blonde who “can’t help it that she’s so popular.”
14. Kate: Ugh. Fucking Kate. She’s pretty, funny, and relaxed, and she’s the ultimate best friend. You love her, but at the same time, you kind of hate her because she’s so perfect. It’s like, calm down, Kate. We get it. You’re great.
15. Lucy: She either has a nose ring, some type of artistic ability, or an interesting taste in music. In spite of her basic good-girl name, she’s the one who’s rocking a bow while chugging whiskey and hooking up with your sister’s boyfriend.
16. Melissa: She’s the beer chugging, dirty joke telling, one-of-the-guys girl who is somehow always surrounded by a group of drooling men who you know are just dying to bang her. Despite her bro-ish ways, she’s unbelievably hot, because life isn’t fair.
17. Allison: She’s the smart one of the group, whether it be in school, with boys, or by making good yet bad decisions. If you’re not copying her notes or her drive to get guys, you’re doing it wrong.
18. Elizabeth: You might think she’s wearing aviators to block the sun, but she’s really wearing them to block shade from the jealous haters. In her defense, you’d do the same if you were a Liz.
19. Jacki: The fact that her name ends with an “i” should tell you enough about her. At one point in her life, she most likely dotted that “i” with a heart, but now she just uses the tears of the boys whose hearts she’s broken.
20. Regina: This one doesn’t even need an explanation. TSM..
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Rachel Varina
(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.
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