1.If you have never been in a specific fraternity house before, it’s unlikely that telling the guys your affiliation and that you’re an alum will get you in this time.
2. Never tell an actual DJ which song to play.
3. If they have a brother’s playlist going, unless you have had sexual relations with him in the past, he’s not going to put “Natalie’s Rap” on for you even though you brought half the blacked out females present along with you. Ungrateful jackass.
4. Don’t put your mouth on the keg tap or ice luge. You’ll get sick.
5. Frat house bathrooms during the season your school does not have pledges are worse than even the gas station that rednecks use. Go pee in a bush.
6. Nap and rally works a lot better if you have an actual bed.
7. The delivery place that delivers drunk food will be really backed up on game day. When you’re about to leave, text your order to someone who already gave up and went home so it arrives 10 minutes after you get back.
8. Don’t talk to the exchange students. They’re weird.
9. Unless you want to spend the whole next day hating yourself via headache or choice of sexual partner, drink heavily early on in the evening and then just maintain a buzz and let it taper off.
10. Your football team sucks (or is good if you didn’t go to my school). Your separation from school and incessant research on the team’s depth chart and the offensive team’s weaknesses do not change anything about whether or not they will win or lose.
11. That cute flask with the college seal engraved on it only holds 3 shots.
12. Boys write shit on the bathroom on the third floor. It’s obscene, your sisters living there join in, hell, you joined in when you lived there. You don’t get to suddenly be offended by the “PI ALPHA Thad banged Suzy in the shower” with an arrow pointing to the shower.
13. When people black out hard enough they will ask you the same question over and over again. Entertain yourself by answering with different funny fake answers and see how far you can go.
14. You’re not going to get a decent mixed drink in your old favorite bar. If it isn’t a shooter, something that involves 3 ingredients tops, or beer, don’t bother.
15. Alcohol is not a depressant at school. The nightcap that helps you get to sleep at home has the opposite effect when you go back and you are somehow energizes you in this magical land. Don’t be a bitch. You’re tired from your drive, so take a couple shots and get your ass in some heels.
16. Pouring liquor into a flask is damn near impossible without one of those funnels that come with a decent one.
17. Boredom can always be cured by looking on your iPhone at the available wireless networks near any Greek housing.
18. Pole dancing is a lot harder than it looks.
19. Sorority houses are LOUD. At all hours. Yes, you always have someone to talk to but consequently someone is always talking.
20. You’re not going to meet your husband there. The guys really are as dumb, drunk, and uninterested in commitment as they seem. Being the old person at a fraternity pregame will reassure you of that for at least a couple months.