I’m just going to say it. Sometimes I’m a bitch. I know it and I own it. Most of the time, I like to think of myself as being a “boss ass bitch” type of bitch, but we all know that’s not the only type of bitch a girl can be. Let’s just face the facts. When a girl is hungry, a whole new level of bitchiness is achieved. It’s vindictive, it’s ruthless, and it comes from the deepest, darkest place of despair known to mankind: an empty stomach.
I won’t say it’s excusable. I’m only saying that on the days that I skip breakfast to study for my economics exams, I really don’t want to hear about how your boyfriend is just loving medical school. I don’t care about your smart, potentially very wealthy future husband, but I do care way too much that I don’t have one. So just keep your damn mouth shut.
Sometimes there are semesters when I have to schedule all my classes on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. Every Monday, Wednesday, or Friday that I forget to bring a granola bar and every Monday, Wednesday, or Friday that someone wants to nag about my wet bun and letters combo: watch out. You don’t know what it’s like to have four classes in a row starting at 8 a.m. You can go wax your mustache now.
And UGH, it’s really awful when I just want my boyfriend to know I want sushi but he picks freaking Mexican and it’s not even Margarita Monday. Like, why can’t he just know what I want? Is it sooooo wrong that my stomach is telling me it specifically needs sushi? No, because my tummy gets what my tummy wants. (The same goes for my closet. It’s only fair.)
I just want to give a formal apology for all the times my malnourishment caused me to inflict pain upon others. I want to say sorry for all those things I said when I was hungry. It wasn’t your fault my stomach made me turn into a psycho bitch from hell. If you want to get technical, it really wasn’t my fault, either — it was truly just the circumstances I was under, but whatever. I’m sorry, okay?
- I’m sorry I ate your last Oreo, and I’m sorry I blamed it on your little.
- I’m sorry I called you a bitch that time you were acting like a bitch.
- And I’m sorry for just now when I said you were acting like a bitch, even though you were.
- I’m sorry for saying you shouldn’t wear those leggings. Or those boots. Or that hideous sweater.
- I’m sorry for giving you the side-eye when your boyfriend called on girls’ night.
- I’m sorry for yelling at you when you were indecisive in the Starbucks line.
- I’m sorry I told you I’d cunt punt your cat if you ever showed me another picture of her again.
- I’m sorry for everything I said the entire week leading up to spring break.
- I’m also sorry for everything I ever said during recruitment, especially when you were running it.
- I’m sorry for telling you your highlights looked “okay.”
- I’m sorry for making fun of how sweaty you were after cardio blast.
- And I’m sorry for ever suggesting we go to cardio blast.
- I’m sorry for saying your boyfriend doesn’t look like Aaron Samuels when everyone else was talking about how much your boyfriend looks like Aaron Samuels.
- And I’m sorry for refusing to watch Mean Girls with you after said rebuttal.
- I’m sorry for saying “I hate you” when you didn’t want to go on a late-night Taco Bell run with me.
- I’m also sorry for the next morning when I ordered a kale smoothie at brunch after you ordered the peaches ‘n’ cream pancake platter.
- And I’m sorry for blaming it on my new diet plan even though I definitely wasn’t on a new diet plan.
- I’m sorry for “ew”-ing at your leg hair during finals week.
- And your chipped nail polish. And your greasy, messy bun. And your sweatpants.
- And I’m sorry for just being a bitch in general during the hours of a skipped meal and any time after 10 p.m. without snacks..