Columns

20 Really Awful Things I’ve Done Because I Was Hungry

Screen Shot 2015-01-19 at 5.19.17 PM

I’m just going to say it. Sometimes I’m a bitch. I know it and I own it. Most of the time, I like to think of myself as being a “boss ass bitch” type of bitch, but we all know that’s not the only type of bitch a girl can be. Let’s just face the facts. When a girl is hungry, a whole new level of bitchiness is achieved. It’s vindictive, it’s ruthless, and it comes from the deepest, darkest place of despair known to mankind: an empty stomach.

I won’t say it’s excusable. I’m only saying that on the days that I skip breakfast to study for my economics exams, I really don’t want to hear about how your boyfriend is just loving medical school. I don’t care about your smart, potentially very wealthy future husband, but I do care way too much that I don’t have one. So just keep your damn mouth shut.

Sometimes there are semesters when I have to schedule all my classes on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. Every Monday, Wednesday, or Friday that I forget to bring a granola bar and every Monday, Wednesday, or Friday that someone wants to nag about my wet bun and letters combo: watch out. You don’t know what it’s like to have four classes in a row starting at 8 a.m. You can go wax your mustache now.

And UGH, it’s really awful when I just want my boyfriend to know I want sushi but he picks freaking Mexican and it’s not even Margarita Monday. Like, why can’t he just know what I want? Is it sooooo wrong that my stomach is telling me it specifically needs sushi? No, because my tummy gets what my tummy wants. (The same goes for my closet. It’s only fair.)

I just want to give a formal apology for all the times my malnourishment caused me to inflict pain upon others. I want to say sorry for all those things I said when I was hungry. It wasn’t your fault my stomach made me turn into a psycho bitch from hell. If you want to get technical, it really wasn’t my fault, either — it was truly just the circumstances I was under, but whatever. I’m sorry, okay?

  1. I’m sorry I ate your last Oreo, and I’m sorry I blamed it on your little.
  2. I’m sorry I called you a bitch that time you were acting like a bitch.
  3. And I’m sorry for just now when I said you were acting like a bitch, even though you were.
  4. I’m sorry for saying you shouldn’t wear those leggings. Or those boots. Or that hideous sweater.
  5. I’m sorry for giving you the side-eye when your boyfriend called on girls’ night.
  6. I’m sorry for yelling at you when you were indecisive in the Starbucks line.
  7. I’m sorry I told you I’d cunt punt your cat if you ever showed me another picture of her again.
  8. I’m sorry for everything I said the entire week leading up to spring break.
  9. I’m also sorry for everything I ever said during recruitment, especially when you were running it.
  10. I’m sorry for telling you your highlights looked “okay.”
  11. I’m sorry for making fun of how sweaty you were after cardio blast.
  12. And I’m sorry for ever suggesting we go to cardio blast.
  13. I’m sorry for saying your boyfriend doesn’t look like Aaron Samuels when everyone else was talking about how much your boyfriend looks like Aaron Samuels.
  14. And I’m sorry for refusing to watch Mean Girls with you after said rebuttal.
  15. I’m sorry for saying “I hate you” when you didn’t want to go on a late-night Taco Bell run with me.
  16. I’m also sorry for the next morning when I ordered a kale smoothie at brunch after you ordered the peaches ‘n’ cream pancake platter.
  17. And I’m sorry for blaming it on my new diet plan even though I definitely wasn’t on a new diet plan.
  18. I’m sorry for “ew”-ing at your leg hair during finals week.
  19. And your chipped nail polish. And your greasy, messy bun. And your sweatpants.
  20. And I’m sorry for just being a bitch in general during the hours of a skipped meal and any time after 10 p.m. without snacks.

Email this to a friend

premed donna

Who said you can't be smart and funny? When I'm not writing for TSM, you can find me studying into oblivion, downing a bottle of chardonnay, and/or sobbing for reasons I have yet to understand. All hate fan mail can be sent to premed.donna.tsm@gmail.com.

0 Comments You must log in to comment, or create an account

For More Photos and Videos

Latest podcasts

Download Our App

Take TSM with you. Get

New Stories

Load More