I could not give fewer fucks about the NBA. I grew up in Connecticut and went to college in Indiana, so I’ve lived in two of the greatest college basketball states in the country, but I literally cannot understand why the NBA is even a thing. To me, the only interesting aspect of the professional basketball sector of athletics is that occasionally a few of them will marry a sort of chic female. That’s it. So, when the NBA Finals started, I was incredibly confused as to why people actually gave a fuck about them. I hate sports, but I’m pretty sure any golf tournament is better than watching this drawn out display of one-on-one. It’s boring, it’s stupid, and it sucks. I’m not worried about the game. Instead, this is what I’m thinking.
1. Why can’t this be settled in one game, like the NCAA tournament?
2. Which team was The Biebs here to watch? I like the other one.
3. Who are all these fans coming out of the woodwork and taking straight to Facebook to talk about basketball?
4. Why are they all so sweaty? This is sick.
5. What the fuck is a Spur.
6. Why are these guys paid so much to sit on a bench?
7. Aren’t the celebrities sitting courtside afraid of getting pummeled by one of those enormous individuals?
8. This is stupid. There aren’t even any good parties being thrown. At least the Superbowl has decent parties as its one redeeming quality.
9. Speaking of Superbowls, I think football pants are far more fun to look at.
10. Is Tim Tebow really a virgin?
11. Is Khloe Kardashian Odom going to be here? Does her husband play on any of these teams?
12. Also, everyone needs to realize that Penelope is definitely going to be prettier than baby Kimye.
13. It’s so sad Tony Parker and Eva Longoria broke up. Their wedding was everything.
14. I really do miss Desperate Housewives, actually.
15. Why is everyone on Twitter freaking out about a “game 7?”
16. I want to stab any girl that belts an NBA jersey and wears it with heels.
17. How are they all so tall?
18. When do the Looney Tunes come out to play against the aliens?
19. WHY ARE PEOPLE SO INTO THIS!?
20. LeBron’s headband wasn’t even that cute.