1. Facebook stalk your sibling’s significant other before their arrival. Quickly brief your entire family on all of their demons.
2. When you first meet him/her, address them solely by their last name. This lets them know they are not, and never will be, part of the family.
3. Assert your dominance early on. If they go in for a hug, swerve them with a firm handshake. Lean in and whisper something threatening like, “I can break you” or “I know where you live.”
4. Act surprised they’re dating since they’re not your sibling’s usual “type.”
5. Ask them to take a family photo since you all are never home at the same time. If they’re taking the photo, they won’t be in it.
6. If they’re coming over for dinner, forget to set an extra place at the table for them.
7. Strategically sit across the table from them. Stare them down the entire time you’re eating. If they have the nerve to crack a joke, don’t laugh. Don’t even smile.
8. Continuously interrupt them.
9. Find out if they have any food allergies or restrictions and serve only food they can’t eat. Then proceed to ask if they’re on a diet and act skeptical when they say no. Subtly imply they should be.
10. If you’re having dinner with wine, keep refilling their glass so they’ll have to keep drinking out of politeness. Get them drunk so they’re not on their A game for when the interrogation begins.
11. Find out their hobbies and interests. When they don’t align with your interests, jokingly tell your sibling they should break up with them.
12. Also find out their dislikes so you can make sure to do whatever they hate. That’s too bad they hate horror movies because you’ve already got tickets to go see “Light’s Out” tomorrow with your sibling. Oh, well. Guess they’ll have to stay home.
13. One-up everything they say.
14. Bring up your sibling’s exes as often as possible. Say things like, “It’s too bad it didn’t work out with Casey. They were so cute/smart/funny/nice/goddamn perfect.”
15. Insinuate they’re a gold digger if they have a less impressive job or major than your sibling.
16. Bring up the discussion of children as often as possible, especially if it’s a new relationship. They’ve been dating a week? That’s a perfectly acceptable time to ask how many children they plan on having.
17. After dinner, break out the baby books. Forcing them to look at photos of your sibling’s bare ass bath photos will give them an idea of what their future kids will look like. (Or make them run for the hills. Whichever.)
18. Make jokes about their sex life if possible.
19. Give them some privacy. After awhile, come back into the room and remark to your mom in front of your sibling’s significant other, “Oh, they’re still here?”
20. When they do eventually leave, tell them you hope to see them again, but purposely misremember their name..

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