ICYMI: 2016 Rush Crush Obituaries, Part One
Dawson, Gaby
Gaby, a beauty blogger and with a somewhat impressive YouTube channel, was tragically cut this Wednesday after telling sister Courtney that she should consider a darker lipstick with her skin tone. Courtney, an avid tomboy who carries this chapter on her back through literally every intramural sport, really doesn’t give a fuck if her lipstick doesn’t compliment her skin tone. She will be missed, but Courtney is a truly terrifying specimen while angry, so it was decided that Gaby would do better exploring other options.
Higgins, Kelly
18-year-old Kelly held her own through multiple socials, during which time she was unfortunately paired with more than four of our bitchiest sisters. Despite her positive demeanor and stellar sense of humor, exec was forced to drop her after she asked sister Sam if the majority of the chapter is “flushed with cash.” Sam, who is only pushing for her Peace Studies degree in order to obtain full access to a hefty trust fund, is fully aware that A) a large number of our sisters depend on financial aid and scholarships, and B) this inquiry is literally the dumbest possible move for a freshman to pull. Kelly was dropped for being a fucking twat, and no one was notably upset about her release.
Scott, Andrea
Andrea, a high school swimmer and rumored total ho, was cut after sisters noticed she was incapable of discussing anything other than the Kardashians. When sister Chelsea pointed this bizarre phenomenon to her, Andrea had the balls to defend herself by saying, “That’s not true, I also love the Jenners.” Further inspection of Andrea’s social media pages revealed that she has an unhealthy and borderline serial killer-esque obsession the family. She was immediately dropped, as this revelation made several sisters violently uncomfortable and concerned for the safety of sister Kim, who ironically hates all things Kardashian.
Williams, Amanda
Amanda initially wowed us with her impeccable ACT score and high school service awards, but ultimately lost her appeal while discussing the football team with sister Claire. When the conversation turned to our starting quarterback, Tommy, Amanda noted that she would like to “hit that from every direction.” Claire, whose claim to fame is that she spent two passionate nights blowing Tommy in the alley behind Chipotle, became very hostile towards the PNM. She then pushed for us to release Amanda, stating there was “bad blood” between the two. Claire definitely needs to move on with her life, but we released Amanda out of respect for our sister’s heated love affair.
Hobbes, Theresa
Theresa, former student council president and award-winning tennis player, was dropped after sister Jane claimed that she “purposely” spoiled last season’s Game of Thrones. Whether or not Theresa intentionally let the spoilers slip is up for debate, and many of our sisters argue that Jane is a “fucking lunatic” for failing to catch up with the series while she was still living in her parents’ house, unemployed, for the entire summer. Jane’s idiocy in the situation must be overlooked, however, as we gave her a bid in the fall of 2014. Theresa will be missed, and Jane will probably be a raging bitch for the rest of the week, if not for the rest of her life. .
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Lucky Jo
Lucky Jo is a former and current TSM writer who likes her men how she likes her coffee: way too hot and unforgivably bitter. She graduated from the University of Missouri in 2016, proving that C's do in fact get degrees. She now spends her days working for a social media marketing agency, hiking with her dachshund, and trying to bring back the scrunchie. Hate mail and goat memes can be sent to lucyjmulvihill@gmail.com.
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