Sure, the stores have only *just* put out Halloween decorations, but in your mind fall is already in full swing. Unfortunately for you, most other more mentally stable people do not feel the same way. So while you’re busy lighting your pumpkins and baking your muffins, other people are still flaunting their summer bodies and ignoring the fact that Halloween is less than two months away. But not you. You’re smarter than that. You’ve had your costume planned for months. You’ve purchased your decorations before they were picked over by tired school teachers. But just so people know that while you’re already celebrating fall you do realize it’s still summer, here are some fun things to let people know you’re not totally deranged.
1. Pumpkin Swimsuit
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Nothing says “you shouldn’t be having a pool party in September” quite like a Halloween swimsuit. You get it. It’s still 90 effing degrees outside. But you’ve already started gorging on pumpkin muffins and said goodbye to your summer body. But instead of understanding that now is the time to pack on the pounds and layer ourselves in sweaters, people are still inviting you to do nearly-naked water activities. Grab a festive fall one-piece, put on your best witch-bitch face, and let everyone know that come September 22, you’re not going to be dealing with this shit anymore.
2. Halloween Beach Towel
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Few things are more terrifying than having to wear a swimsuit when you’re already in your fall body downward spiral. The best way to counter all of this is to get a Halloween towel, wrap yourself in it, and sit in the corner eating carbs while giving the side-eye to everyone who still has abs.
3. Pumpkin Sunglasses
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What better way to block out the haters? Throw shade at everyone who says it’s too early to decorate your apartment with spiderwebs and enjoy the attention.
4. Halloween Swim Cap
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I’m not sure if people actually wear swim caps since I avoid pool activities at all costs. But in case you’re forced to wear a swimsuit and pretend that you don’t hate every second of your life, consider getting festive swim cap. No. It won’t look cute. But it’s a good way to say “fuck you guys for making me come to this” and it’s bound to get tons of Instagram likes if you come up with a clever enough caption. And while you know it’s fall, your hair most likely doesn’t yet. Protect your still-summer blonde hair with this fugly cap and thank God that pool parties will soon be replaced with Halloween parties.
5. Healthy Pumpkin Candy
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So you know that it’s fall. And all you want to do is stuff your face with pumpkin-flavored shit and live in a pile of carbs. But since your friends are still trying to live up summer, you’re scared to let yourself completely go yet. Luckily, there’s a healthy candy you can get that will keep you skinny and not make you want to punch everyone who’s still keeping up with their summer workouts. These flavored “ice chips” are had candies that taste incredible, are good for your teeth, and have like, negative calories.
6. Festive Pumpkin Hat
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Oh, everyone’s wearing cute ballcaps when you’re out tubing and hiking? No, you. You’re mad. You’re protesting. You’re pissed that people are still acting like summer’s a thing. You’re going to wear a GD pumpkin hat, and you’re going to like it.
7. Flirty Halloween Sundress
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While everyone else is still rocking floral sundresses and pastels, you can let everyone know that you are having none of that. Get a flattering dress that says “it’s time to stop wearing pink and start dressing like we’re witches in everyday life.” Bonus points: it’ll hide your new, ever-present food baby.
8. Pumpkin Mason Jar
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Few things are more rustic summertime than using mason jars for everything. And few things are more fall AF than pumpkin and candles. Combine the two of them and you get a pumpkin candle in a mason jar that says in more ways than you ever could, “stop with the fucking summer stuff already.”
9. Halloween Skeleton Yard Flamingos
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The time for kiddy pools in the yard, tacky tiki torches, and strands of summer lights is over. Let everyone know that it’s time to turn your home into a coven and your yard into a graveyard. Sure, some people might think that skeleton flamingos in the yard in early September are a bit much, but you are not one of those people.
10. Basic Zombie Wine Bottle Holder
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No, this wine holder doesn’t exactly scream “summer.” But it does scream basic, and is there anything more wonderfully basic than loving Halloween so much that in your eyes it starts on September 1st? Nope. So instead of waiting for everyone else to catch up to your fall-ness, grab this no-fucks wine holder and watch everyone flock to you as the weather gets colder and all they want is to get drunk and eat carbs. You’ll be ready for them. You’ll be waiting.
11. Skeletons Bone-ing
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To be honest, I just couldn’t help myself with this one. Race you to check out, witches..
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Rachel Varina
(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.
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