The Olympics are a display of the world’s greatest athletes. They train for years and years to make it to compete against other people who have trained for years and years. It’s the best way to bring a nation together: by turning it against all other nations. As Americans, we can band together and physically dominate the rest of the countries in sports like volleyball and curling. But that’s not the only thing that we are awesome at. If given the chance, we would annihilate the world in more than just the usual Olympic sports.

1. Mini Golf
   Watch out for the comically large crocodile, Spain. Weren’t expecting that, were ya?
2. Skeeball
   It’s like bowling, but much smaller.
3. Peeing After Just Painting Your Nails
   It’s like defusing a bomb. Except the bomb going off is you just pissing yourself.
4. Dizzy Bat
   The game of champions.
5. Black Friday
   The closest thing to The Purge that America can legally have.
6. Keg Stands
   Betcha Canada would tap out after 13 seconds, tops.
7. Unloading Groceries
   Whoever can take the least amount of trips from the car to the house wins.
8. Bodysurfing
   Real athletes don’t need boards.
9. Jousting
   It seriously needs to be brought back.
10. Speed Makeover
    Points will be awarded to the most creative, as well as the fastest.
11. Bar Hop
    Get a shot from each bar on the street. Obstacles include high heels, cobblestone street, and boycon dresses.
12. Bitch Off
    Two opponents are given a topic, whoever can bitch about it longer wins.
13. Anything Involving The Kardashians
    Love them or hate them, they are entertaining.
14. Sneaking Into Your Parents’ House Drunk
    Requires the stealth and agility of a cheetah.
15. Karaoke
    If they can have it in Greek Week, they can have it in the Olympics.
16. Bubble Soccer
    Watching the world’s greatest athletes bounce off of each other like pinballs would be fascinating.
17. Blow Jobs
    It probably wouldn’t be televised, but recognizing that it requires great skills would be a big step for women everywhere.
18. Wake Up Late For Class
    Getting ready, eating, collecting your things, and racing to class under pressure is an athletic feat.
19. Putting On Jeans
    Shrink those bitches in the dryer and watch athletes struggle to get them over their thighs. They’re just like us!
20. Facebook Stalking
    Whoever can get back to prom first wins.
21. Shopping
    It’s basically cardio..

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Ali Hin

A born and raised Jersey girl, she can always be found covered in sand and pizza sauce. Her personal brand is "that girl." She prefers wine in bottles because she thinks outside of the box. Send fan mail to sratbroTSM@gmail.com or by smoke signal.

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