The sorority girl. She’s a unique species, commonly found in her wild habitat of either a large, estrogen-infused mansion or a sketchy college town bar. She’s beautiful, elegant, and sometimes a complete shit show. She’s well-educated, though prone to the occasional ailment, the most common among them being the hangover. There are many signs to indicate this sort of condition, from her apparel to her mannerisms. Educate yourself on these telltale signs, and you might just be able to call a bitch out.

1. She showed up late. Obviously.
2. She smells like a tavern, despite the fact that she tried to hide it by dousing herself with an obscene amount of perfume and Febreeze.
3. She’s covered with bruises that she can’t really doesn’t want to explain.
4. She’s still humming along to the last song she was dancing to before she blacked out. Probably off key.
5. Her T-shirt is so large that she might as well have written “I SHACKED LAST NIGHT” on her forehead with a permanent marker.
6. She’s nursing a Camelback water bottle as if it’s been years since she last drank the sweet nectar.
7. She might also be bitching about how she lost her wallet/phone/keys. No one feels bad for her.
8. She’s sporting a messy bun that could potentially pass for fashionable if it didn’t reek of vodka and cigarettes. But it’s whatever, that look is called “hangover chic” and it’s very in right now.
9. Her neck is decorated with dark hickeys that she may or may not have attempted to cover with makeup.
10. She looks like she just ran a marathon, because her joints are in immense pain and her face is covered with a thick sweat.
11. She’s wearing sunglasses, even if she’s indoors. Don’t judge her, though. Fluorescent lights are worse than the sun.
12. Her face is plastered with a look of horror as she listens to her friend explain exactly what she did last night. She’ll also probably gasp a few times before saying “Fuck it,” and asking her friend to stop.
13. She keeps trying to sneak naps when she thinks no one is looking. But everyone is looking, all the time, because the whole scenario is so hilarious.
14. She’s begging someone to go with her to get fast food. And you’re like, “Fine, but only because I’m SUCH a good friend.”
15. She publicly declares that she is not just riding, but actually driving the struggle bus.
16. Her face probably looks like shit because she attempted to cake on a new layer of foundation before washing last night’s make up off. Rookie mistake.
17. Similarly, her mascara is probably running so much so that people are starting to think that she is Amy Winehouse reincarnated.
18. She gags at the mere mention of alcohol. Which is probably why you keep bringing it up.
19. She might be wearing workout clothes, not because she actually intends to exercise later, but because they make it look somewhat normal that she’s chugging water by the gallon.
20. She keeps unexpectedly running to the bathroom with her hand clamped over her mouth.
21. She keeps telling everyone that she will “never drink again,” despite the fact that you’ll most likely see her chugging bombs come ten o’clock. .

Nice Move487

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Lucky Jo

Lucky Jo is a former and current TSM writer who likes her men how she likes her coffee: way too hot and unforgivably bitter. She graduated from the University of Missouri in 2016, proving that C's do in fact get degrees. She now spends her days working for a social media marketing agency, hiking with her dachshund, and trying to bring back the scrunchie. Hate mail and goat memes can be sent to lucyjmulvihill@gmail.com.

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