I think in any relationship honesty is the best policy. If you’re a dirty liar everyone will hate you and you’ll die alone, that’s just how it works. Buuuuuut I also think that sometimes you should just not say things. Not outright lying but just sort of shutting your mouth and pleading the 5th. And when it comes to dealing with the male species, this is especially true. I’m not saying that these topics will send him running headfirst into his ex’s vagina, but I’m also not not saying that, you know?
- “I’m late.”
Nothing like making him think he might be a dad in nine months to turn down the romance.
- “Getting pregnant wouldn’t be thaaaaat bad.”
Trust me, he does not agree.
- How very, very much you love the Kardashians.
Yes, he thinks they’re hot. No, he doesn’t have a favorite. Yes, he hates you for talking about them.
- And that you think reality TV is better than sports.
This is a battle you just can not win.
- I’m not saying reality TV isn’t better than sports. Just don’t tell them that.
Except with golf. Fuck golf.
- “My ex was bigger.”
Even if you’re mad. Even if it’s true. Even if he asks. The chances of this convo ending not-terribly are zero.
- “My tampon is bigger.”
Saying you mean an extra-jumbo won’t help much.
- Anything that your slutty friend did.
The only thing this does is make him wonder if your slutty friend would do that with him.
- Or that your friend is slutty in the first place.
Just leave her vagina out of it, okay?
- Period specifics. No, he shouldn’t be a weeny about bleeding, but you don’t need to tell him all the gory details.
Letting him know that a clump of blood fell out of you and stained your “period panties” even more is enough to make any guy gag. And me. I’ll gag. Just stop, please.
- Same goes for poop stuff. Just leave it alone.
It’s bad enough that we sometimes have to do it at his house. Let’s not broadcast this shit (lol).
- How much you spent at Sephora.
Not only will he not understand, but he’ll always wonder why he has to pay for dinner when you just dropped $200 on powder for your face.
- That you know what he wore to his prom.
Nice white tux, bruh.
- And what his date’s name was.
Hate you, Anna. Loved your dress, though.
- And the fact that she’s now engaged to a guy named Tom and that they live in Chicago and that she’s vegan.
But like, whatever. Who cares?
- “You should go to the gym.”
Yeah well, we should probably go to the gym too — but it’s better we just stay quiet and hope he doesn’t notice the ten pounds of drunk chicken nugs just chilling on our legs.
- That your wedding to him is already planned.
What? You have to book early if you want the plaza!
- The word “threesome.”
It doesn’t matter what you’re talking about. He’ll grab onto that hope and never, ever let it go.
- Same goes for “anal.”
Just close your mouth and your asshole to that topic.
- Or “blow job.”
Whether you’re saying you love them or hate them, the second you say the word he’ll drop his pants and raise his sails.
- “I love you” for the first time.
Call me an old hag, but the guy really should say it first. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Don’t say I didn’t warn ya..