Columns

22 Things A Sorority Girl Would Do If The Purge Was Real

Screen Shot 2014-07-23 at 3.07.20 PM

1. Break into Tinder’s headquarters. Shut down the entire operation.

2. Rob a craft store. Duh.

3. Set fire to every local bar except her personal favorite, so the guy she’s been eyeing has no choice but to spend next Friday night in the same general vicinity.

4. Throw dog shit at her rival sorority’s front door. Take full blame for the incident and tell those girls it “sucks to suck.”

5. Hack her frienemy’s Pinterest board and delete everything. Muahaha.

6. Kidnap Kim Kardashian’s makeup artist for personal use.

7. Pick the lock on her ex’s fraternity house. Take back the cooler she made him for formal last year.

8. Locate that annoying girl in her sorority who always brags about being gluten-free. Force feed her bread.

9. Break into Target. Take everything.

10. Find the hairdresser who butchered her hair two years ago. Force the bitch to shave her own head to even the score.

11. Use dick pics to blackmail various slams into handing over all of their most comfortable hoodies.

12. Interrogate every character from “The Bachelor” until they all admit that the show is, in fact, fake. Tape each interrogation and send the proof to every girl in existence.

13. Steal a jeep wrangler and completely destroy the green at her ex’s go-to golf course in a psychotic joyride.

14. Find her roommate from freshman year and steal all of her mac and cheese. See how she likes it.

15. Kidnap her shitty neighbor’s adorable puppy.

16. Hack Netflix’s database. Add complete seasons of the following: “The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air,” “Sex and the City,” and “Boy Meets World.”

17. Smoke a fat joint in front of a hot cop while making suggestive remarks about the size of his “gun,” just for fun.

18. Take a Starbucks barista hostage to be kept in her kitchen 24/7.

19. Capture the Real Housewives and force them into a large crate. Expedite the box to Russia.

20. Steal that ridiculously expensive bottle of tanning lotion that the uptight bitch behind the counter judged you for not getting since you didn’t want to dish out $90.

21. Destroy her sorority’s composite. They should really warn you not to drink the night before they take those.

22. Throw garbage at the bitch who dropped her sorority and talked shit about it to anyone who would listen.

Email this to a friend

Lucky Jo

Lucky Jo is a former and current TSM writer who likes her men how she likes her coffee: way too hot and unforgivably bitter. She graduated from the University of Missouri in 2016, proving that C's do in fact get degrees. She now spends her days working for a social media marketing agency, hiking with her dachshund, and trying to bring back the scrunchie. Hate mail and goat memes can be sent to lucyjmulvihill@gmail.com.

7 Comments You must log in to comment, or create an account
Show Comments

For More Photos and Videos

Latest podcasts

Download Our App

Take TSM with you. Get

New Stories

Load More