Recently, a trailer for the work of art that our inner, 12-year-old prepubescent selves have been waiting for went viral. The musical of all musicals. The Disney Channel Original Movie of all movies: High School Musical 4.
Sure, rumors have been going around forever about bringing the cast back together, but this is the first time we’ve actually gotten a glimpse of the 2018 movie. Naturally, everyone flipped their shit.
Titled, Once a Wildcat: A High School Musical Story, it has all of the components of a perfect Sunday afternoon cry film. The only problem? It’s fake, of course. And while Disney is planning on making the fourth film in the franchise, it doesn’t plan on bringing back the OG cast. Which is a shame because why the fuck else would anyone watch High School Musical 4? For the production value and the Tony award quality songs?
Hopefully if this fake trailer gets enough attention, Walt & Co. will cut the shit and bring the old gang back to their Wildcat roots. I’ve taken it upon myself to put a few plot points together for the executives for whenever they finally see the error of their ways. Don’t worry about paying me now, Disney. I’ll send you an invoice.
1. Troy would take his shirt off.
2. Actually, Troy wouldn’t even *wear* a shirt. The costume designers would completely forbid it.
3. The main ploline would center around the fact that everyone is in their mid-twenties and are all sharing a small studio apartment in Manhattan.
4. Well, everyone except Ryan and Sharpay. Because if she could afford to literally buy a new face, they can afford their own place.
5. And since incest is all the rage, Ryan and Sharpay would finally hook up. I mean, hello? They were way too close for any normal, non-Lannister sibs.
6. And after hooking up with his sister, Ryan would leave her because he’s obviously gay.
7. But since they signed a least together, they have to share their apartment for a whole year! Talk about drama!
8. Chad (who Ryan is secretly obsessed with) is dealing with an internal crisis of whether or not he should cut off his classic curls.
9. And as a result, it causes his girlfriend, Taylor (because obviously they got together) to question whether or not she really *knows* him.
10. Ultimately, he decides that he wants to chop off his fro, and Taylor leaves him because of it.
11. Ryan then swoops in and comforts Chad, which results in a very steamy and erotic scene in the sauna.
12. And yes, Disney decides to approve of the on-screen penetration because after Vanessa’s nude photo scandal, they figured, “fuck it.”
13. Speaking of full-penetration, Troy got into some pretty kinky shit after Gabriella dumped him.
14. And he has a little BDSM thing going with that nerdy song-writer Kelsi.
15. Because yes, once she took off her glasses and aged like, 10 years, she turned into a total fox.
16. Naturally, though, once Troy starts living with Gabriella, his feelings for her start returning.
17. And yes, there’s a threesome scene involving them, because everyone sort of saw that coming since the first movie.
18. Eventually, Sharpay ends up being the only one who lands any real acting gigs because she’s a ruthless motherfucker.
19. Troy knocks Garbiella up, and has to choose between a simple, suburban life with her, or a sexy, sultry life with Kelsi (also, her name ended in an “i.” Like, all of the signs were pointing to her turning into a freak).
20. Chad scores a managerial position at Enterprise Rent-A-Car and still attempts to jam with his band of misfits on the weekends.
21. Naturally, he settled down with Taylor, who decided that she’d rather have a boring, closeted guy with a safe job than a bad boy who wants to be a pro athlete or singer.
22. Ryan, appalled by the fact that Chad decided to ignore his homosexual feelings, moves to California, where he gets a job as a pet therapist because let’s be real — he’s totally used to helping whiny bitches.
Looking forward to seeing these ideas come to life in 2018, Disney!.
Image via Youtube / Disney Channel