23 Reasons You And I Should Host The Bachelorette


If we ever make contact with aliens, or, if we’ve already made contact with them but they’re still a little iffy on committing to us, the first thing that I want them to see is an episode of The Bachelorette (or Bachelor, depending on what season we’re on when they made landfall/telepathically probe our friends and neighbors for information). I truly believe it encapsulates the full human experience: love, hate, rejection, exhilaration, forced group activities, excessive drinking, sex, and tacky home furnishings.

But if the aliens were to question anything about The Bachlorette, it’s obvious they would be confused about Chris Harrison. And honestly, he is kind of low-key bizarre. He’s been the host of this show for nearly twenty years, does seemingly nothing else, and maybe is best explained as an equivalent to an HR manager considering the fact that he has to condone cast members’ intimate relations (fantasy suite letters, anyone?). Which is why I’m here with a radical proposal: You and I should host The Bachelorette.

“But that’s crazy!” you say. Except it’s not. No crazier than having ultimate rando Chris Harrison do it, at least. And think about it, we’d be SO MUCH MORE FUN than Chris Harrison. Just picture it:

  1. If you and I hosted The Bachelorette, we would openly jeer and lear at the guys as they exit the limo.
  2. Then we’d high five about it.
We’d select respective guys we wanted to hook up with and then spend extra time “getting to know them” by “interviewing” them “for the show”.
  4. If you and I hosted The Bachlorette, we’d ask them, point blank, why the fuck they would want to be on The Bachelorette.
  5. I’m mean, it’s just an exercise in humiliation, except in a national scale.
  6. We’d then ask them if they took pride in their “occupation”.
  7. Except for those currently practicing being “Canadian”. We would know no one takes pride in that.
  8. If you and I hosted The Bachelorette, we’d insist on drinking just as much as the contestants, purportedly “in the spirit of solidarity”
  9. Subsequently, this would lead to a lot more censored cursed words and bleeping, which would only make the show more hilarious than it already is.
  10. If you and I hosted The Bachelorette, we’d openly mock the people who start crying about falling in love during week 4.
  12. We’d remind them that the real reason they came on this show was to promote their start-up luxury real estate app, and to pull it the fuck together.
  13. If you and I hosted The Bachelorette, we’d troll the happy couples as they started to make out in various hot tubs and in front of global tourist destinations by popping up unexpectedly.
  14. “Sorry guys, just gotta squeeze in here. I need to soak my muscles after I workout or else I’ll cramp up.”
  15. We’d scatter the fantasy suite beds with condoms instead of rose petals, because let’s me real.
  16. We’d also dispense with the kind of creepy hand written invitations to the fantasy suite .
  17. Instead we’d probably just say “Well, that was last call. We’ll leave you two before you start boning”.
  18. And then we’d give a hilariously over-exaggerated wink a la Amy Poehler in Mean Girls.
  19. Then we’d laugh at our own joke.
  20. If you and I hosted The Bachelorette, we’d make sure no lady ever got an ugly ring ever again.
  21. We’d make sure that the newly engaged couple immediately entered couple’s therapy and a mandatory de-Stocklholm-Syndrome-ing seminar.
  22. If you and I hosted The Bachelorette, we wouldn’t need a contestants Tell-All or After the Final Rose, because we would have made sure all that shit made to air the first time around.
  23. Finally, if you and I hosted The Bachelorette, we’d for sure be fired after just one season.

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I came for the wine, but I stayed for the complimentary appetizer sampler plate.

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