I’m not a fan of liars. I think they’re lame and cheap and deserve something horrible, like death, or the bar tab. That being said, in a total hypocritical move, I think there are those times when you should tell a lie. I know! Throw stones at me, I’m the worst. I know they say honesty is the best policy, especially in relationships, but I’m here to call bullshit. No, I don’t want my boyfriend to lie to me. Unless of course I want him to, you know? Here are the few times it’s not only acceptable but pertinent that they say their Hail Marys and throw some lies our way.
- That you’re the prettiest girl in the world.
Even though we live in a world where Margot Robbie and Mila Kunis exist, he still needs to say it.
- And that you’re prettier than the girl you just caught him checking out.
No, he was looking at her shirt, that’s all!
- That he never talks to his ex.
Unless he’s *talking* talking (then fuck that), knowing he said “hi” to her at a party will only piss you off. Side note: he better not fucking say “hi” to his ex at a party.
- That he never stalks his ex on social media.
Sure, we all have our ex’s handles memorized. No reason to admit to it. Delete the history and move on.
- That he never thinks about his ex.
In his mind, she should be dead. Or just nonexistent. Or dead.
- What he does when he’s alone.
Say you were researching presents for us and just be sure to wash your hands before touching our faces.
- And what kind of porn he’s into.
Unless we’re super chill or we watch it together, I don’t want to know you’re into skinny brunettes when I’m a not-so-skinny blonde.
- That you weren’t too embarrassing last night.
Sure, you danced on the bar, made out with your best friend, and flashed your professor, but he should just say you “had a good time.”
- And that he didn’t mind buying you food and cleaning up your vomit all night.
Bonus points if you drunkenly yelled at him for something totally uncalled for at some point in the evening.
- That you look so hot right now.
You’re wearing sweats, haven’t washed your hair in days, and don’t know the last time you shaved — but thank you.
- That the meal you cooked is actually really good.
He’s a huge fan of undercooked pasta and pizza sauce!
- And that he’s surprised you can eat so much because you’re so tiny!
Hell yeah. Just look at these bony wrists! LOOK AT HOW BONY THEY ARE!
- That his mom likes you.
I don’t care if she thinks I’m a Wiccan stripper, just lie and tell me she loves me.
- That he’ll never leave you.
No, but like really. NEVER leave me.
- That no, the dress does not make you look fat.
Even if you look like a beluga whale. Even if you *are* a beluga whale. The answer is no. The answer is always no.
- He loves loves loves going down on you.
Room for seconds, sir?
- And that you smell like a mother effing patch of roses down there.
Or better yet, don’t comment on the smell. Like at all. Ever.
- Your hair color is his favorite hair color.
Because no. If you’re brunette, his favorite hair color is not blonde.
- That he really likes the shirt you gave him
Or the watch. Or the wallet. Or whatever other lame present your dad suggested that you buy him.
- That you’re his best friend.
No. His best friend is his actual best friend. But every other couple says it, so if he knows what’s good for him, he better say it too.
- That he can’t even see that pimple!
It’s the size of your face and it sent a child screaming in the other direction, but everyone be cool.
- He’d love to go to that farmer’s market/get a pedi/or hang out with your annoying friends.
Those are his interests too!
- That blow jobs aren’t that big of a deal, he doesn’t need butt stuff to be happy, and threesomes are for losers.
You know what they say, having similar sexual drives is important for a good relationship.
- That he loves you.
Wait. Stop. He really does love me, right? RIGHT?!
All’s fair in love and lying..