Columns

24 Signs You’re Hooking Up With A Douchebag

Screen Shot 2014-07-11 at 5.40.36 PM

Across America, at every college, there’s always that one brother in your favorite frat who stands out among the rest. Not all fraternity men are quite like this one–most of the time, many actually are always on their best behavior and are the perfect choice to take home to Mom. But then there’s the breed of frat boy who we sorority women may refer to as “douchebag.” Unless you hate yourself, then free to call him your “frat daddy.” One can typically find this species shotgunning a Natty Ice, chanting his mating call in the quad, or sleeping in his den among his pack. Whatever the case, there are nights where you have one too many shots or vodka tonics and everything turns into a blur. The next morning, you realize you may have just brought one home with you (yikes). If you’re unsure of this, here’s a checklist to help you figure it out while you still have some time.

  1. Does he own Sperrys?
  2. Does he have a slightly overinflated sense of self-worth?
  3. Does he own anything from J.Crew (For example the khaki shorts with the tiny lobsters on them)?
  4. Does he try to pull off (or actually pulls off) a pompadour haircut or combover?
  5. Does he loudly, obnoxiously chant often, while funneling Natty Ice?
  6. Does he excessively indulge in unhealthy amounts of liquor?
  7. Is he a tad bit of a man-child?
  8. Does he frequently hashtag “murica”?
  9. Does he live with six or more men who are very similar to himself?
  10. Does he prefer Keystone Light and Natty Ice over mostly any other beer?
  11. Has he attended more than four formals in the past year?
  12. Does he refer to men of no blood relation as his brothers?
  13. Does he find himself attractive despite the opinions of others?
  14. Does he claim to only hook up with eights or above, even though you’ve witnessed him making out with a three several times?
  15. Has he snapchatted you a selfie of him next to his Greek Week trophy or with his paddle?
  16. Has he ever requested Rush Boobs from you or your friends?
  17. Does he wear an upside down visor with his pledge name on it?
  18. Does he own 20 or more lacrosse pinnies, despite the fact he’s never played lacrosse?
  19. Have you ever found him passed out in the quad? On the street? At a bar? On your date?
  20. Does he refer to himself as a hierarchy? (Example: king, master, boss, wolf…yes, wolf.)
  21. Did he tell you of his fantastic time on spring break where he claimed to have had the absolute greatest time out of anyone on campus, even though you heard he passed out the first night before even making it to the bar?
  22. Does he claim to have multiple “slampieces”? (In reality, he’s lucky to have one.)
  23. Does he look in the mirror more than the average male? As in more than once a day?
  24. Does he “get swoll” at the gym and brag about it on all forms of social media? And yes, that includes Snapchat.

As I stated earlier, not all frat guys are like this. These men are a rare breed, but I can bet that while you read this, a name and a face popped into mind. These guys can be studs and they can be sweethearts, but they also can be virtually undateable beasts in this jungle we call college. Proceed with caution–you’ve now officially been warned.

Email this to a friend

5 Comments You must log in to comment, or create an account
Show Comments

For More Photos and Videos

Latest podcasts

Download Our App

Take TSM with you. Get

New Stories

Load More