Your mother figure is the worst. And I mean, you know that everyone thinks they have a “crazy” mom, but you really do. Like lock you in a cellar or tower or some shit and try to poison you because you’re too pretty crazy. Shuts your friends up reaaaal fast when they bitch about their mom’s menopause drama.
Your hair is your best asset, but if we’re being really, really honest…you didn’t really wake up like this, but you’ll be damned if anyone ever knows.
You’re no stranger to falling hopelessly in love with guys in seemingly (or actually) a matter of minutes. #HopelessRomantic
It’s not that he doesn’t love you, though. He totally loves you a lot. In fact you’re way spoiled, but if he’s still alive, that’s almost part of the problem.
You look incredible in whatever you wear, even rags.
No shame in the midriff game. I’m looking at you, Jasmine and Ariel.
Everyone pretends that you’re just one big Disney Princess community, but you all know there is a clear divide between the new princesses and the old princesses. Choose sides wisely.
You didn’t feel great about letting Merida into your club, but her dad’s on the board. She’s seriously ALWAYS awkward at parties.
You’re getting a little tired of Elsa. Like, okay, cool, everyone loves her and she couldn’t get a husband chose not to focus on romance, which is empowering or whatever, but give me a break at this point. Platinum has NEVER been a hair color found in nature, and you’re not just going to sit idly by as everyone praises her for her overdyed braid.
You love hanging out with Ariel, but it’s just…not at her house. It smells a little too fishy fishy. You know that difference between good beach smell and bad beach smell? Hers is the bad kind.
Everyone can admit that Rapunzel has the hottest husband, but sneaky bitch straight REFUSES to dish about their sex life.
And speaking of Rapunzel, her haircut was definitely the subject of an aggressive group text.
But you hear she’s growing it back, so that’s good.
Your sequel sucked. Unless you’re Elsaaaaaa. Probably. Ugh.
But your live action film was bomb. I mean the human adaptation chick could not hold a candle up next to you, but she still did a really bomb job retelling your story.
Everybody LOL at Megara. #NotAPrincess #CantSitWithUs
You are so tired of your clothes and feel like you wear the same thing ALL the time, which is just absurd because you’re a fucking princess.
You think it’s funny how many artists try to remake you into a man, a porn star, a clown, a child, a college student, a modern day girl, a different race — you name it, it’s out there. But whatever, at least they’re talking about you.
Your fans and your subjects remain unwaveringly loyal for their entire lives. Like adult women are obsessed with you and you kind of love it.
You love your pet more than you love most people.
You pretend like you’re just this modest, naturally good singer, but you’ve secretly been taking lessons your whole life and delight in nothing more than shocking people at karaoke.
You fully let your homemaking skills go the SECOND you trapped a guy into marrying you. #Sucker
You agree. You think you’re really pretty
Because filming your Mean Girls spoof was the most fun you’ve had, potentially ever.
Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at email@example.com