A short while back, we published 50 Things Fraternity Guys Should Know About Sorority Girls. But the more guys I meet and interact with, the more it seems that the poor male species could really benefit from even more painfully explicit instructions on how to stop being completely idiotic. It seems, ladies, that we’re doomed to have to spell out the same things over and over to our male counterparts until the end of human civilization. *Sigh.* Life is hard. For this reason I’ve thought up 25 more pearls of wisdom for past or current fraternity men who want to have any hope whatsoever of seeing a quality woman walk towards him in a white dress one day.
1. If you’re trying to pick us up at a bar, you better be flawlessly handsome, charming, and have an impressive career or we won’t even let you buy us a drink. Once we’re in a relationship though, we like you even if you grow a beer gut and do nothing but sit on your couch drinking beer and playing Xbox because by then we’re already attached. It’s a curse.
2. Yes, we really ARE okay with you having female friends.
a. But don’t even think about hanging out with her alone or texting her 24/7. Red flags.
b. Also, if she used to have feelings for you (or vice versa), it’s a no.
c. If she’s a slut and acts overtly sexual to you, even if it’s platonic on your end, still no.
3. Most of us only act crazy because someone in our past burned us bad. No, it wasn’t your fault, but yes, you will have to pay for his mistakes for at least a little while. Stick it out, most of the time we’re worth it.
4. Lie to us in the beginning of a relationship though, and you’re pretty much dealt the crazy card for as long as we’re together. You made your fucking bed, now lie in it (not lie lie. Lie. Like horizontally in the bed. You know, like the metaphor).
5. When you cheat on us, physically OR emotionally, you are NOT allowed to seamlessly transition into a friendship with said girl and if you thought you could, something is hugely the fuck wrong with you.
6. Yes, we “deleted your number,” but we definitely still have it memorized.
7. Most of us probably have dreams and goals other than being your trophy wife.
8. But if you happen to WANT us to quit our jobs, stay at home, and be your trophy wife…we wouldn’t mind.
9. Ignoring us and being a dick at strategic times makes us insanely attracted to you. But too much too often and we’ll back off. Be nice. Sometimes.
10. If we forgive you for something, it means we forgive you. It DOESN’T mean you can do that thing again and again.
11. If you say something along the lines of “I’m gonna do what I want to do,” that’s fine. You have the right to do what you want. But keep in mind that you might be doing it as a single man.
12. All of us are jealous bitches under the right circumstances.
13. All of us are dirty sluts under the right circumstances.
14. Impressing our family is a MUST. Dating someone our parents loathe hasn’t been cool since high school.
15. We get that there are other attractive girls in the world, and we’re cool if your eyes wander a little. Just as long as you can handle the fact that OTHER guys’ eyes wander too…right to the T&A.
16. A little possessive is good. A lot possessive is grounds for a restraining order.
17. We ARE capable of casual sex. As long as it doesn’t happen more than 5 times with the same person, that person is not our friend, and that person does not do any of the following: sober text us, say sweet things, ask to hang out during daytime hours…don’t blur the lines.
18. You should always pay for the Plan B. Although we’re going to get it either way.
19. People say girls are dumb for dating assholes and cheaters. But really, guys are dumb for being assholes and cheaters to good, forgiving girls. Even the biggest pushover will only cry over you so many times before we walk away for good. Taking us for granted will be your biggest regret.
20. Our little comes before you. Always.
21. We are right. Always. And we’re probably smarter than you.
22. Our hair takes forever, high heels give us blisters, and no matter what we say, we don’t actually love working out. Appreciate our efforts. A little complimenting goes a long way.
23. You look stupid in a bow tie.
24. Occasionally we need a break from you just as badly as you need one from us. I don’t trust couples who can’t handle separate girls’ and guys’ nights out.
25. And lastly, in the famous words of Rachel Green: “it’s not that common, it doesn’t happen to every guy, and it IS a big deal.”
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