1. Nothing is more uncomfortable than when the bottoms of your jeans get wet after it’s rained.
2. Denim is generally pretty unforgiving.
3. They’re the reason “jorts” exist.
4. You’re overpaying for something you’ll probably only wear a handful of times.
5. Unless you’re the perfect height, which we’ll put at “something much taller than I am,” you’re going to have to get them altered.
6. Picking out an outfit that is comprised of more than one piece requires so much more effort than just throwing on a sundress.
7. Denim is such a thick, unnecessarily durable fabric. You’re not a rancher. You don’t need your pants to last for six years.
8. Someone is judging your jeans, regardless of the brand.
9. You have to be on “Is my thong showing” alert any time you wear them.
10. Too many people don’t realize that light-wash jeans are a crime against fashion.
11. They actually look really stupid with a t-shirt, and even more stupid with *gasp* sneakers.
12. The guys at the TFM office are probably going to make fun of you the one day in a six month period you decide to wear a pair.
13. Jeans stretch a lot throughout the day, so they’re either too tight when you put them on in the morning, or too loose by the end of the day.
14. If you’re feeling fat, the only thing that can possibly make you feel worse about your body is attempting to slip it into a pair of jeans.
15. You feel incredibly uncute and lumberjackish when you show up in jeans and all your friends are wearing dresses.
16. They’re supposed to be your “I don’t care” bottoms, but they only look good with very specific tops, and very specific footwear.
17. They don’t even keep you warm.
18. Jeans are gateway pants. You’re just a hop, skip, and a jump away from elastic-legged sweats.
19. It can take years to find the perfect pair of jeans, and they just aren’t worth the time it takes to hunt them down.
20. If you do a split in your theatre class in 7th grade while wearing jeans, they will probably rip, forcing you to go to the principal’s office and request an XXL “Say ‘no’ to drugs” t-shirt to wear around for the rest of the day like the slutty girls always had to do.
21. They’re more likely to make your body look worse than they are to make it look better.
22. So few occasions call for denim.
23. Back pockets give the illusion of some weirdly shaped butt, rather than letting your ass just speak for itself.
24. The most uncomfortable, constricting pants on the market are jeans.
25. They’re just not that cute.
Nice Move214
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Veronica Ruckh
Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co
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