It’s come to my attention that I, along with a large majority of 20-something girls, am a little bit too picky when it comes to guys. I judge the shit out of those girls who always have boyfriends, because we all know they have no standards. Instead, I take the opposite route and reject guys before they even have a chance to fuck it up. For awhile, I thought it was empowering, but really it’s fucking stupid. The following are some really ridiculous reasons you might have discontinued contact with some guy who could have been the love of your life.
1. He was too drunk and you weren’t drunk enough, so you felt embarrassed on his behalf.
Because you’ve never been too drunk before.
2. He ordered you a vodka tonic instead of a vodka soda. What kind of dumbass doesn’t know the difference?
The kind of dumbass who would never drink either of those doesn’t know the difference.
3. He used the wrong “to” in a text message.
Typos happen.
4. He sent you a friend request too soon.
Some people don’t over-analyze these things.
5. His initial post-introduction text message was something generic like “It was great meeting you last night.”
Maybe it really was great meeting you last night, and maybe he’s too hungover to say something else, you psycho.
6. He uses “u r” instead of “you are.”
Not kewl.
7. He didn’t know who Zosia Mamet was.
Read a magazine.
8. He got you flowers before your third date, which means he’s trying way too hard.
Yeah, fuck that. Who wants flowers?
9. He double texted.
Drunk texting him 17 times is fine, but if he soberly texts you twice, he’s done for.
10. He sent you a “good morning” text before you were on “good morning” text terms.
Woah, there. You’re moving way too fast. You mean, you didn’t know that was a serious step in our budding “relationship?”
11. He overuses “LOL.”
You just KNOW he’s not really over there laughing…
12. He told you you were beautiful and a hard B is reserved for boyfriends.
So, you can see through his over-eager attempts to charm you. He probably can’t see through your constant hair flipping or the fact that your voice goes up an octave when you talk to him.
13. He used the phrase “I’d love to…”
What is it, 1947?
14. He waited until Tuesday to text you.
Clearly he forgot about you, so BYE.
15. He asked you to dance, instead of going for it.
Pussy.
16. He didn’t ask you to dance before going for it.
Neanderthal.
17. He’s even one day younger than you are.
Age is just a number, unless you’re the older one, you know?
18. He texted you the word “hey.”
Thanks for making it impossible to respond, asshole.
19. He asked you the same question twice.
Twelve beers deep or not, he should really develop some better listening skills.
20. He doesn’t know how to change his own oil.
Your father won’t be safe leaving you, or your car, in his hands.
21. He told a joke in public that wasn’t funny.
How are you supposed to laugh at his jokes? How?
22. You saw him drink through a straw.
He probably likes to suck dick too.
23. He had visible pit stains.
There may be 500 people in this poorly air conditioned venue, but that ain’t cute.
24. His name is Mike.
Been down that road. Mikes are bad news.
25. He used an emoji before you did.
Are you talking to your little sister or…?
These are all undeniably annoying flaws, but let’s evaluate the situation here. You cut the majority of your words in half because it’s totes adorbs to abbrev. You generally view raw vegetables as a mere vehicle to deliver ranch dressing and hummus to your mouth. You insist on spending $5 on a cup of coffee, because it looks cute with your outfit. You put glitter on fucking everything. During your junior year of college, you stopped using pronouns due to a weird lingual phenomenon that took over your sorority, making it impossible for others to understand you. That one might have just been me. *Thinks it was.*
Any of these things are probably really annoying to the proud owner of a set of vas deferens, but it would be a little ridiculous for a guy to just give up the opportunity to ruin your life via penetration date a nice girl because of something so insignificant. For something way more minor, we’re writing off potentially decent human beings, just because we think we’re pretty or something.
I’m not advising you to lower your standards. It’s okay not to be interested in a guy who thinks he’s going to be an NFL coach some day, but is waiting tables in the meantime (because Lord knows that’s not going to happen). Just realize that there is something that’s going to drive you crazy about any guy. On a scale from one to making out with your female TA’s boyfriend, it’s pretty effing dumb to reject every guy who wears axe deodorant just because you think it smells like douchebag. Evaluate exactly what you are bringing to the table and realize perhaps you’re kind of being a vapid bitch. My point is, you’re too picky and if you continue to demand perfection from every guy you meet, you’re going to end up crying as you spoon cream cheese frosting into your mouth to the soothing vocals of Adele way more often than you should ever need to do. I mean, kidding, who does that?
Nice Move223
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Veronica Ruckh
Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co
@VeronicaRuckh
@VeronicaRuckh
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