25 Things I Wish Upon My Boyfriend’s Ex-Girlfriend

25 Things I Wish Upon My Boyfriend's Ex-Girlfriend

  1. I hope that picture of you on your worst hair day gets mocked in a group text somewhere.
  2. I hope the guy you like asks you for your “number” on your first date.
  3. I hope you dye your hair ombré.
  4. I hope when you say you just want a trim, your hair stylist takes off six inches.
  5. I hope you’re wearing white pants the next time you start your period.
  6. I hope when you order Diet Coke, the waiter brings you regular.
  7. I hope your pictures never hit double-digit Instagram likes.
  8. I hope every time you wear white, you spill something on your shirt.
  9. I hope your friends pause when you ask them if you’re prettier than me.
  10. I hope you have to take your heels off at the bar.
  11. I hope you gain five pounds after you get your formal dress altered.
  12. I hope you go a whole day without anyone telling you that you have something in your teeth.
  13. I hope you have to buy all of your own drinks when you go out.
  14. I hope you get referred to as the friend with the “good personality.”
  15. I hope you only get left swipes on Tinder.
  16. I hope your future engagement ring is less than a carat.
  17. I hope your stylist makes your eyebrows uneven.
  18. I hope you always get photographed in horizontal stripes.
  19. I hope your barista writes my name on your coffee.
  20. I hope when deciding which SATC character you and your friends are, you get stuck with Miranda.
  21. I hope you forget to wear waterproof mascara the next time you go to the beach.
  22. I hope someone spoils your favorite TV show.
  23. I hope you put your favorite Victoria’s Secret bra in the dryer.
  24. I hope your roommate eats your leftovers.
  25. I hope every time you creep on my social media pages, you think I’m skinnier.

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RecruitmentChairTSM (@TheRecruitChair) is a contributing writer for Total Sorority Move. This current grad student and ex-sorority girl survives solely on Diet Coke and the tears of the pledges she personally victimized. She's a Monica, a Marnie, a Miranda, and a Regina. Her favorite hobbies include drinking $14 bottles of wine and binge-watching season 2 of Grey's Anatomy until she cries. You can send her annoying e-mails at

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