Do NOT spend all your time texting your college fuck buddy.
He’s not your boyfriend. You don’t care. Or at least pretend not to care. Don’t waste your time texting and Snapchatting him when you should be spending time with people who actually matter.
Do NOT get blackout puking drunk your first night home.
Your parents miss you and have an angelic image of you in their head. Don’t ruin it…yet.
Do NOT go to your friend’s house before your own house.
Your parents probably pay for your school and paid for your flight home. They deserve the first home-front hug.
Do NOT immediately text your high school ex-boyfriend.
Come on. Make him beg a little before you make it clear you don’t have any better options at school.
Do NOT hang out with your high school hookup at all.
He’s pretty much irrelevant.
6. Do NOT Keep Eating Ramen
You actually have free access to veggies. Take advantage of that.
Putting pineapple on it doesn’t make it healthy.
Do NOT be a bitch to your siblings or parents.
Your family isn’t out to blackmail you with nudes or puking pics like the college crowd, so tone down the bitch vibe.
Do NOT disobey your parents when they give you a curfew.
Last year my mom told me to be home at midnight and I didn’t listen and came home drunk at 3am to find my family loading up the car for the airport for a surprise trip to Hawaii. If I would’ve come home twenty minutes later I would’ve totally missed out on that vacay.
Do NOT go party at places that your fake ID will get taken from you.
Your hometown probably isn’t a chill college town. The last thing your parents want is to have to pick you up from jail and pay your bail Christmas morning.
Do NOT expect to drink mimosas every morning with breakfast.
Your parents will think you’re an alcoholic and want to send you to AA.
Do NOT smoke weed in your room.
Unless home is Colorado or your parents are chill hippies, that shit is actually illegal in the real world.
Do NOT try and sneak your hometown hookup into your room.
Cause you’ll probably get caught and your 12-year-old brother will bring it up at every family holiday dinner for the rest of eternity.
Do NOT lie to your parents about your GPA.
They will find out eventually and be pissed.
Do NOT tell your parents the truth about your GPA if it’s below a 2.0
No need to ruin Christmas.
Do NOT forget to take your birth control
Going back to school after break and getting knocked up would suck.
Do NOT try to sneak multiple handles of vodka home in your suitcase if you are not 21.
Your bag might get flagged for “excessive liquid content” and you will be in trouble.
Do NOT give your Grandma attitude when she asks if you’re “going steady” with anyone.
She just wants to know if she’s going to see you get married before she dies.
Do NOT tell her the truth if the only “man in your life” is your fuck buddy whose last name you don’t know.
She might have a heart attack. and NEVER get to see you walk down the aisle
Do NOT tell your parents crazy party stories about your friends.
Unless the story is about an ex-friend, your parents will automatically assume you are doing the same stupid shit with your college fund.
Do NOT continue to brush your teeth with a bottle of jack.
Back to that comment about parents thinking you’re and alcoholic.
Do NOT leave your phone unlocked at anytime.
Your parents and siblings will creep through your phone and I promise, there is stuff they don’t need to see.
Do NOT forget that you are always going to be “Daddy’s little princess,” so don’t do anything to ruin that.
He pays tuition and dues. Don’t fuck that up, sweetheart.
Do NOT forget to spend as much time with your family as possible, because they miss you like crazy.
Parties with the “Back-Home-Baller” squad are fun, but don’t forget to give the fam lots of love and attention.
Do NOT feel the need to abide by any of these rules 100%.
If you absolutely NEED to sneak your high school hottie in through the window, by all means, carry on..
My life is pretty much one big awkward embarrassing moment. Dream-self is a cross between Amy Schumer and Serena Van der Woodsen. I like LITs a little too much and am standards board's worst nightmare. If you don't party on Tuesdays then what's the point of college..? Feel free to email me funny stories and Memes because I love to laugh and there's a chance I might be able to make you laugh too. firstname.lastname@example.org