26 Headlines That Would Make 2016

26 Headlines That Would Make 2016

The great thing about the new year is that it’s a completely open slate. The possibilities are endless and we aren’t restrained by the past. In January, when looking forward to the upcoming year, anything can happen, no matter how improbable it may seem. With that in mind, I give you a list of all the possible news headlines I hope happen in 2016 (even though they probably won’t):

  1. Chipotle Decides Guac Will No Longer Cost Extra, College Students Rejoice
  2. Channing Tatum Divorces Wife; Says He’s ‘Ready to Mingle’
  3. New Study Shows College Boys Are Looking For ‘Meaningful Relationships’
  4. Destiny’s Child Enters Studio To Record New Album
  5. Chik-fil-a Announces It Will Open On Sundays
  6. Scientists Invent Zero Calorie Vodka
  7. Sorority Girl Invents Tanning Bed That Reverses The Effects Of Skin Cancer, All Tanning Now Deemed Safe
  8. Greek Organizations Hailed For Their Philanthropic Contributions
  9. Justin Beiber Says He’s Done With Models, Is Looking For a ‘Normal Girl’
  10. Starbucks Offers Free Coffee To College Students During Midterms
  11. Trump Resigns From Election And Apologizes For Idiocy
  12. Chanel Offers 75% Discount With A Valid College ID
  13. New Chocolate Invented That Makes You Lose Weight
  14. Thanks To A Global Effort, Peace Is Reached In The Middle East
  15. Campus Sexual Assaults Reach All-Time Low Thanks To Reform
  16. Blink 182 Reunites For National Tour, ’90s Kids Celebrate
  17. Britney Spears And Justin Timberlake Recreate Iconic Denim Outfit At 2016 Grammys
  18. Nicki Minaj Dumps Meek Mill, Says Drake Is The Man For Her
  19. Kim Kardashian Shocking Confession: “My Butt Is Fake”
  20. Statistics Just In, Zero School Shootings In 2016
  21. Zayn Malik Accompanies Sorority Girl To Spring Formal
  22. All Croc Stores Close, Company Apologizes For Their Abomination To Fashion
  23. Sperry Invents Boat Shoes With Laces That Never Come Untied
  24. Manziel Sobers Up, Dominates in 2016
  25. Jennifer Aniston Confirms Filming Has Begun On Season 11 of Friends
  26. Gene Therapy Cures Cancer Once And For All

A girl can dream, am I right?

Image via Rob Wilson /

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Champagne Showers is a contributing writer for TSM. She is your typical Northern Diva. If curse words, sexual content, and drug use offend you, then bless your heart. CS will continue living the life you're too scared to live. email her at:

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