It all started on the elliptical one day in 7th grade when I heard Tamra Barney utter the words: “I’m the hottest housewife in Orange County.” I had already seen the episodes of Zoey 101 airing on Nickelodeon, and a new episode of The Suite Life of Zack and Cody wasn’t on until later. “I might as well watch this shit,” I thought to myself.

Since then, the Real Housewives to me has been a religion. Andy Cohen is my God and I literally want to be reincarnated as Heather Dubrow when I die. I cried when Bethanny got married, I peed my pants watching NeNe #bloop the shit out of Kenya, and I even went so far to stalkerishly ask Albie Manzo out for a drink when he came to visit my school to talk about his BLK water business (he politely declined, despite my rabid/somewhat psycho attempts at eye-fucking him).

So in an effort to continue Real Housewives-ifiying every aspect of my life, here are top one-liner introductions of the Real Housewives of TSM:

1. If you weren’t on The Row, who are you again?
2. I scare people. And I like it that way.
3. I trust my eyebrow lady more than my husband.
4. Some people say happiness starts in the home. I say it starts in the artisanal cheese aisle.
5. Every girl has the right to an orgasm.
6. I like to spend my free time judging people on social media and day dreaming about my next meal.
7. I’m only doing this show because I want Andy Cohen to be my gay bestie.
8. Lilly on the streets, Miley in the sheets.
9. I’m a fierce, independent woman. But what should I say back to his text?
10. All I need in this life of sin, is a prescription.
11. It’s the little things that are most important in life. Like Spanx — that make you look really little.
12. Can someone be a doll and fetch me some pino?
13. Life is all about balance. That’s why I drink a green juice after Chick-Fil-A.
14. I like filters more than I like people.
15. I don’t need a man to make me happy. I need one to carry my bags and tell me I don’t look fat.
16. I’m a Grade-A social butterfly… thanks to alcohol and a broken moral compass.
17. Life is easy. But I’m pretty, so I can’t speak for you.
18. Some people find inner peace within. I find my inner peace within Home Goods.
19. It’s on the inside that matters. So hand me the vodka.
20. I couldn’t live without my family, God, and fat friends that make me look good in pictures.
21. Some people live by the golden rule. I say fuck that, I live by my own.
22. Am I Heather Dubrow yet?
23. Live. Laugh. Love. And by that I mean get drunk, cry and judge people.
24. My favorite type of shopping is food shopping.
25. I’m more of a desperate housewife than I am real.
26. Some people say dance like no one is watching. I say eat like no one will ever see you naked.
27. Spoiler alert: I’m not a housewife, I’m the mistress..

Image via Helga Esteb / Shutterstock.com

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Drunk but not in love

(@DrunkNOTinLove) is a die-hard Splenda addict who requires a constant supply of caffeine and male attention to make it through the day. After graduating with her degree in Economics, she now focuses her energy on adding a "Home" to her degree title by perfecting the "intelligent drunk," and conning a banker into marrying her one day. Originally from New England, she is a hardcore Boston sports fan, but only when boys are around. Almost all of her calories consumed Thursday - Saturday (and the occasional Tuesday) are from $7 bottles of Yellowtail Moscato, and in no way, shape, or form is she fazed by this. All forms of hate mail and date party inquiries can be sent to drunkbutnotinlove@gmail.com

• @DrunkNOTinLove