27 One-Liners From The Real Housewives Of TSM


It all started on the elliptical one day in 7th grade when I heard Tamra Barney utter the words: “I’m the hottest housewife in Orange County.” I had already seen the episodes of Zoey 101 airing on Nickelodeon, and a new episode of The Suite Life of Zack and Cody wasn’t on until later. “I might as well watch this shit,” I thought to myself.

Since then, the Real Housewives to me has been a religion. Andy Cohen is my God and I literally want to be reincarnated as Heather Dubrow when I die. I cried when Bethanny got married, I peed my pants watching NeNe #bloop the shit out of Kenya, and I even went so far to stalkerishly ask Albie Manzo out for a drink when he came to visit my school to talk about his BLK water business (he politely declined, despite my rabid/somewhat psycho attempts at eye-fucking him).

So in an effort to continue Real Housewives-ifiying every aspect of my life, here are top one-liner introductions of the Real Housewives of TSM:

  1. If you weren’t on The Row, who are you again?
  2. I scare people. And I like it that way.
  3. I trust my eyebrow lady more than my husband.
  4. Some people say happiness starts in the home. I say it starts in the artisanal cheese aisle.
  5. Every girl has the right to an orgasm.
  6. I like to spend my free time judging people on social media and day dreaming about my next meal.
  7. I’m only doing this show because I want Andy Cohen to be my gay bestie.
  8. Lilly on the streets, Miley in the sheets.
  9. I’m a fierce, independent woman. But what should I say back to his text?
  10. All I need in this life of sin, is a prescription.
  11. It’s the little things that are most important in life. Like Spanx — that make you look really little.
  12. Can someone be a doll and fetch me some pino?
  13. Life is all about balance. That’s why I drink a green juice after Chick-Fil-A.
  14. I like filters more than I like people.
  15. I don’t need a man to make me happy. I need one to carry my bags and tell me I don’t look fat.
  16. I’m a Grade-A social butterfly… thanks to alcohol and a broken moral compass.
  17. Life is easy. But I’m pretty, so I can’t speak for you.
  18. Some people find inner peace within. I find my inner peace within Home Goods.
  19. It’s on the inside that matters. So hand me the vodka.
  20. I couldn’t live without my family, God, and fat friends that make me look good in pictures.
  21. Some people live by the golden rule. I say fuck that, I live by my own.
  22. Am I Heather Dubrow yet?
  23. Live. Laugh. Love. And by that I mean get drunk, cry and judge people.
  24. My favorite type of shopping is food shopping.
  25. I’m more of a desperate housewife than I am real.
  26. Some people say dance like no one is watching. I say eat like no one will ever see you naked.
  27. Spoiler alert: I’m not a housewife, I’m the mistress.

Image via Helga Esteb /

Email this to a friend

Drunk but not in love

(@DrunkNOTinLove) is a die-hard Splenda addict who requires a constant supply of caffeine and male attention to make it through the day. After graduating with her degree in Economics, she now focuses her energy on adding a "Home" to her degree title by perfecting the "intelligent drunk," and conning a banker into marrying her one day. Originally from New England, she is a hardcore Boston sports fan, but only when boys are around. Almost all of her calories consumed Thursday - Saturday (and the occasional Tuesday) are from $7 bottles of Yellowtail Moscato, and in no way, shape, or form is she fazed by this. All forms of hate mail and date party inquiries can be sent to

For More Photos and Videos

Latest podcasts

New Stories

Load More