“You have all the raw materials. Just imagine how amazing your body would be if you worked out more.”
Just imagine how amazing your salary would be if there was an extra zero on the end of it.
“Your sister is hot. You two look nothing alike.”
Yes. I know. Marcia, Marcia, Marcia.
“It’s like you have two different faces when you wear makeup and you don’t. You’re really good with the stuff. I can hardly recognize you.”
YOUR face is about to become unrecognizable.
“You look gorgeous in some of these pictures.”
And what about the others of these pictures?
*Mid-Blowjob* “Could you try something else?
Suicide? I could try suicide.
“I’m normally into blondes, but I’m actually attracted to you.”
The only way this ends is with you leaving me for a blonde, or me going to my hair stylist tomorrow.
“I used to think you were such a bitch, but now I’ve realize you’re sweet.”
“You’re awesome. You’re just like a dude.”
Is it my stature, my boyish features, or just the mere fact that you feel like you can talk about poop in front of me?
“Is that dimple on your butt?”
THERE IS AN UNWRITTEN LAW THAT YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO PRETEND THAT’S INVISIBLE!!!!
“I like that you have a healthy appetite.”
What? No, I’m dainty.
“You’ve never looked this beautiful.”
Never? So this, right now, is the pique of my attractiveness?
“Haha, well you know you’re crazy for real.”
No. I’m crazy for fake. Not for real. You don’t think I’m crazy FOR REAL, do you?
“You’re so hot. I bet you’re in XYZ sorority.”
Umm. No. I’m not, actually. PEOPLE OUTSIDE THAT SORORITY CAN BE PRETTY, YOU KNOW!
“You’re way hotter now than you were when I met you.”
Great. Now, I have to look back at my “when I met you” self the same way I look back at my “acrylic nails” self and my “jean skirt” self — I thought I was so cool at the time, but evidently, I was wrong.
“I don’t mind girls who are kinda into themselves. It’s important to care about how you look.”
I’m into myself?!?!
“Oh, you look much better than you did in that dress last night.”
What did I tell you about compliments that end in “-er”?
“Yeah, you were skinnier then, but you look better with some meat on your bones.”
The correct answer was “No, you’re still skinny.” Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars. Or an orgasm.
“That girl’s a little chubby.”
She’s comparable in size to me.
“You’re way better at this than my ex-girlfriend was.”
Unfortunately for you, this is the last time you’re going to get it
“Oh, good. You seem to have calmed down.”
Oh, good. You seem to have started my discontentment back up again.
“That’s not a bad picture! That’s what you look like!”
………………………THAT’S what I look like?!
“Don’t be insecure. Just channel the plus-sized models.”
If you are telling me to channel confident women, why — WHY — couldn’t you tell me to channel the regular models?
“Thick’s not a bad thing!”
Yes. Yes, it is.
“Wow! You look really pretty today!”
No need to hide your disbelief.
“You’d be a 9 if you grew your hair out.”
So what am I now? A gremlin?
“I think Heidi Klum is the most beautiful girl on the planet.”
Glad I look just like her.
“You remind me of my mother.”
We’re done here.