- Who *wins* on “The Bachelorette.”
I know it’s totally staged, and a horrible show, and cheesy as hell but also, fuck Jordan. - And the fact that I don’t look like JoJo.
She’s too pretty to be that cool. - If I don’t get at least 100 likes on an Instagram picture.
It’s fine. I get it. I’m literal human scum. - Or if I get over 200.
What am I, a celebrity? - What everyone else is wearing to an event.
If I show up in a dress, and everyone is wearing crops, I’ll leave. Seriously. - Especially shoes.
I’d rather die than wear heels when everyone else is in wedges. - What type of phone other people have.
“Oh. You have an Android?” *sneers* - And what type of case they use.
No case? We got a daredevil over here. - Whether or not you play Pokémon Go.
I’m not saying either is right. I’m just saying it’s important to know. - Telling people I read the book after they said they liked the movie.
I know it’s annoying but seriously, the book is better. - If I have more followers than the girl I hate.
It’s not a competition. But if it was, I would be winning. - Whether or not they’re Harry Potter fans.
Get out of here, you muggles. - And what house they would be sorted into.
Sorry, Slytherins, you can’t sit with me. - Which side they stand on the whole Taylor Swift-Kardashian drama.
Does it really matter? No. But has that stopped me from refreshing their social medias constantly? Also no. - What my high school boyfriend whom I haven’t spoken to in five years is up to.
And his mom. And his girlfriend. And his douchey friend who I sort of had a crush on but never acted on because I’m a good person. - If people are having fun without me.
Guys?! Don’t you realize I’m not there? STOP LAUGHING AND BEING JOYFUL! - If my boyfriend has fun without me.
Don’t you dare. - If the other girl showing up on a double date is prettier than I am.
It’s not like it matters, but it sort of matters. - Actually, if any girl anywhere is prettier than I am.
You have some nerve showing up here with your perfect skin and Pinterest-inspired outfit. Bitch. - What everyone else is ordering before we actually order.
*Don’t say salad. Don’t say salad.* “Oh yeah! I was thinking of getting a salad too!” - How many people watch my Snapchat all of the way through.
I know it’s like 100 seconds of me drinking wine but come on guys, stay with me. - If I’m really the best he’s ever had.
Sexually. Romantically. Spiritually. It doesn’t matter, I just need to be the best. - That exes/new girlfriends of every guy I’ve ever liked still exist in the world.
Can’t they just like, leave? - If literally any driver does anything that is slightly annoying to me while I’m driving.
WHY THE FUCK DON’T YOU HAVE YOUR BLINKERS ON, YOU PIECE OF — oh. You’re not turning. Got it. - Who that girl is.
I don’t care if you haven’t seen her in years and you don’t know why she liked your IG picture — who is she? - That that table’s food came out before ours, but we were here first.
No, it’s fine. I’m just withering away over there. - If I’m going to die alone.
Jk. I think that one is pretty fair..
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Rachel Varina
(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.
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