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27 Things Only Someone With An Awful Gag Reflex Knows

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  1. Your dentist wears a protective mask whenever he works on you because he knows he’s in the splash zone.
  2. You have to psych yourself up before you get a throat culture at your doctor’s office.
  3. Phallic-shaped foods are basically a joke.
  4. Seth from “Superbad” said it best: “Do you know how many foods are shaped like dicks? The best kinds!”
  5. You gag just watching the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest, and not from the amount of food they’re eating.
  6. The last time you tried to take a suggestive selfie using a banana, you threw up.
  7. You make guys feel REALLY good based on how much you gag.
  8. “Oh my goodness, it’s so big–my eyes are watering!”
  9. Sex happens REALLY quickly after you realized what a mistake it was to perform oral sex.
  10. Seriously, four seconds is about all you can take before rolling over and letting him have it.
  11. You can probably count on one hand how many blow jobs you’ve given to completion.
  12. You refuse to even set foot into a BJ’s Wholesale Club.
  13. Popsicles are the enemy; the ice cream man is the devil.
  14. Being seductive with a lollipop can backfire oh so quickly.
  15. You can’t order a venti iced anything from Starbucks because the long straws are a hazard.
  16. Teeth whitening is an exercise in futility: “You expect me to put something in my mouth for HOW long without gagging?”
  17. You fear a tonsillectomy more than any other major medical procedure.
  18. You keep track of all the garbage cans on the street on your walk to work, just in case.
  19. Brushing your teeth is a thrice-daily torture.
  20. If you ever have people stay over, you run the fan, faucet, and shower in your bathroom loudly so they don’t hear you choking on your toothbrush.
  21. You’ve had people flat-out accuse you of having an eating disorder after hearing what happens when you try to brush your teeth.
  22. You’ve ruined more than one day’s outfit by involuntarily choking on toothpaste and/or mouthwash.
  23. You’ve considered cutting off your nose so things like spoiled milk, garbage, fish markets, and other horrible, awful smells don’t make you hurl at the drop of a hat.
  24. Your going out bag always has your phone, keys, makeup, and an inhaler just in case.
  25. You warn any guy who buys you a Tequila shot to do so at his own risk.
  26. Actually, you should probably just give the guy a rain poncho for good measure.
  27. The scene in “Mean Girls” when Cady throws up on Aaron’s shoes is basically your reality. Be careful when you get us drunk, boys.

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Stefon

New York's Hottest Club is wherever I am. Haters to the front, hunky Sailors to the back. Bow down betches. Follow this bitch on Twitter @StefonTSM StefonTSM@iCloud.com

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