- Your dentist wears a protective mask whenever he works on you because he knows he’s in the splash zone.
- You have to psych yourself up before you get a throat culture at your doctor’s office.
- Phallic-shaped foods are basically a joke.
- Seth from “Superbad” said it best: “Do you know how many foods are shaped like dicks? The best kinds!”
- You gag just watching the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest, and not from the amount of food they’re eating.
- The last time you tried to take a suggestive selfie using a banana, you threw up.
- You make guys feel REALLY good based on how much you gag.
- “Oh my goodness, it’s so big–my eyes are watering!”
- Sex happens REALLY quickly after you realized what a mistake it was to perform oral sex.
- Seriously, four seconds is about all you can take before rolling over and letting him have it.
- You can probably count on one hand how many blow jobs you’ve given to completion.
- You refuse to even set foot into a BJ’s Wholesale Club.
- Popsicles are the enemy; the ice cream man is the devil.
- Being seductive with a lollipop can backfire oh so quickly.
- You can’t order a venti iced anything from Starbucks because the long straws are a hazard.
- Teeth whitening is an exercise in futility: “You expect me to put something in my mouth for HOW long without gagging?”
- You fear a tonsillectomy more than any other major medical procedure.
- You keep track of all the garbage cans on the street on your walk to work, just in case.
- Brushing your teeth is a thrice-daily torture.
- If you ever have people stay over, you run the fan, faucet, and shower in your bathroom loudly so they don’t hear you choking on your toothbrush.
- You’ve had people flat-out accuse you of having an eating disorder after hearing what happens when you try to brush your teeth.
- You’ve ruined more than one day’s outfit by involuntarily choking on toothpaste and/or mouthwash.
- You’ve considered cutting off your nose so things like spoiled milk, garbage, fish markets, and other horrible, awful smells don’t make you hurl at the drop of a hat.
- Your going out bag always has your phone, keys, makeup, and an inhaler just in case.
- You warn any guy who buys you a Tequila shot to do so at his own risk.
- Actually, you should probably just give the guy a rain poncho for good measure.
- The scene in “Mean Girls” when Cady throws up on Aaron’s shoes is basically your reality. Be careful when you get us drunk, boys.
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Stefon
New York's Hottest Club is wherever I am. Haters to the front, hunky Sailors to the back. Bow down betches. Follow this bitch on Twitter @StefonTSM [email protected]
@StefonTSM
